Hello Folks,
I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that the Empowering Assets covered in this blog are based on the 40 Developmental Assets identified by the Search Institute, Inc. as being highly important to limiting high risk behaviors in youth.
Because I wrote each of the entries in order, they are listed here in reverse order here. Therefore, I suggest you go to the very first blog entry to introduce yourself to these important assets and to each of your communities wishing to empower youth and keep them out of harms way.
To help you to understand my intentions in writing this blog, here is what I wrote in my very first entry:
"Empowering Assets is a blog I have created to share articles I am writing on the 40 Developmental Assets identified by Search Institute, Inc. as conditions whose presence is counteractive to high risk behaviors in youth. The articles are being written as part of my work as a Prevention Specialist for Lewis and Clark County in the great state of Montana. The primary resource for the information in the articles is "What Children Need to Succeed" by Jolene L. Roehlkepartain and Nancy Leffert, PhD. It is my hope that other Prevention Specialists in Montana or any other state feel free to pass these articles on as written, modified or just get inspiration and ideas. To be particularly clear, I am not only comfortable with but encourage you to remove my name from any and all article and replace it with your own. Feel free to copy and paste and submit any of these articles in your local newspapers, school newsletters, church bulletins, local magazine or any where else you feel will do some good. I have joyfully done the work and now I want to contribute it as a gift to the spirit of prevention and the efforts of all of you, my prevention community. If you wish to contact me, email me at wmichael@rmdc.net or call 406-441-3970."
In the spirit of the 40 Developmental Assets, remember to take a second to make a difference with youth!
Sincerely,
Will Michael
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
A Positive View of a Personal Future-Asset 40
A Positive View of a Personal Future
For children to have a positive view of their personal future, parents and other adults need to work to create a positive future for themselves and their children. If this happens, children will grow to be inspired to be positive and confident about their future.
Here as some specific suggestions of ways you as a parent can invest in establishing this asset for your children:
• Maintain a positive outlook in general. Expect good things to happen. When disappointments happen, learn from them and share with your children what the lessons and silver linings are. Children learn how to handle setbacks and challenges by watching the adults around them.
• Give children plenty of sincere, positive feedback. When you are supportive, you help them feel successful, build self-esteem and self-confidence. If they need feedback about mistakes or errors, start out your message with, “That is so unlike you. What can we learn from this?”
• Learn about affirmations. Affirmations are a way of complimenting that focus on desirable behaviors. Affirmations are positive, personal and in the present tense. “You are amazing at spelling!” or “You really know how to solve problems!” are two examples of affirmative messages. Affirmations are always free of negative wording. To use a negative word is to focus attention on what you don’t want. “Don’t spill your milk!” is a classic example of a negation that results in just the outcome you wanted to avoid.
• Look for and support ways to help children follow their dreams, interests and passions. Share their excitement about things they enjoy and discover. If a child loves music, fill your home with it. Ask your child to teach you songs and teach him or her songs. Sing along with the radio together, plan musical events and look for ways to provide music lessons and instruments to foster his or her learning.
• There are some children who seem to have a temperament that leads them to see things more negatively or pessimistically. These children are most in need of constant affirmation along with direct education on how thinking positively leads to positive outcomes.
• This next idea may have already come to mind as you read through the above. It is the point that in order for parents and adults to provide some the positive influences needed they too must examine their own outlook on life and the nature of their personal thoughts and attitudes. Parents will need to monitor their own self-talk in order to ensure that they respond to their children with affirmative and empowering messages about the present and the future. There are two books available by Martin E. P. Seligman, PhD. that can be very helpful for parents. The first is Learned Optimism which includes tools to rate yourself and practical ways to increase your optimism. The second is The Optimistic Child which gives step-by-step advice on how to safeguard children from depression while helping them develop optimism and a positive view of the future.
For more ideas on this topic, call or email me. And remember, your child’s future is influenced by the messages you are giving them now!
For children to have a positive view of their personal future, parents and other adults need to work to create a positive future for themselves and their children. If this happens, children will grow to be inspired to be positive and confident about their future.
Here as some specific suggestions of ways you as a parent can invest in establishing this asset for your children:
• Maintain a positive outlook in general. Expect good things to happen. When disappointments happen, learn from them and share with your children what the lessons and silver linings are. Children learn how to handle setbacks and challenges by watching the adults around them.
• Give children plenty of sincere, positive feedback. When you are supportive, you help them feel successful, build self-esteem and self-confidence. If they need feedback about mistakes or errors, start out your message with, “That is so unlike you. What can we learn from this?”
• Learn about affirmations. Affirmations are a way of complimenting that focus on desirable behaviors. Affirmations are positive, personal and in the present tense. “You are amazing at spelling!” or “You really know how to solve problems!” are two examples of affirmative messages. Affirmations are always free of negative wording. To use a negative word is to focus attention on what you don’t want. “Don’t spill your milk!” is a classic example of a negation that results in just the outcome you wanted to avoid.
• Look for and support ways to help children follow their dreams, interests and passions. Share their excitement about things they enjoy and discover. If a child loves music, fill your home with it. Ask your child to teach you songs and teach him or her songs. Sing along with the radio together, plan musical events and look for ways to provide music lessons and instruments to foster his or her learning.
• There are some children who seem to have a temperament that leads them to see things more negatively or pessimistically. These children are most in need of constant affirmation along with direct education on how thinking positively leads to positive outcomes.
• This next idea may have already come to mind as you read through the above. It is the point that in order for parents and adults to provide some the positive influences needed they too must examine their own outlook on life and the nature of their personal thoughts and attitudes. Parents will need to monitor their own self-talk in order to ensure that they respond to their children with affirmative and empowering messages about the present and the future. There are two books available by Martin E. P. Seligman, PhD. that can be very helpful for parents. The first is Learned Optimism which includes tools to rate yourself and practical ways to increase your optimism. The second is The Optimistic Child which gives step-by-step advice on how to safeguard children from depression while helping them develop optimism and a positive view of the future.
For more ideas on this topic, call or email me. And remember, your child’s future is influenced by the messages you are giving them now!
A Sense of Purpose: Another Positive Identity Asset-Asset 39
A Sense of Purpose: Another Positive Identity Asset
To invest in this positive identity asset, parents and other adults in a child’s life feel and show that their lives have purpose. Children are curious and interested in exploring the world around them. As they grow, they feel that their life too has purpose and they actively engage the world with their unique gifts and skills to fulfill their purpose.
Parents and adults should get in touch with what is important to them and then share this with the children in their life. For instance, you could do this by saying to children, “I walk every day to stay healthy. Walking makes me feel great and I keep doing it because one of these days I want to take a hiking trip through the mountains.”
If you are living your dream or have met some important goals, share your stories about the process from having the dream to making it come true. You could also examine or create a list of dreams or goals and share one with your child. Say you want to learn to fly fish or remodel your kitchen. Let your child be in on the process and observe or even help you follow through on making that goal a reality.
You inspire hope by being hopeful, and you inspire interests by being interested. Let your children see that you are enthusiastic about life. Talk about your feelings and what excited and inspires you. Plan with your child and show them how to make their dreams come true.
You can start early in a child’s life planting the seeds of a purposeful life. Make sure infants and toddlers can make choices about toys to play with or interests they have. When they show an interest, give them opportunities to explore that interest. If a child shows an interest in music, make musical toys and instruments available to them. If the child likes to put things together, get them building blocks, Legos, or Lincoln Logs.
Keep your child’s life interesting and stimulating. Find ways to include your children in things that you enjoy too. If a child is asking a lot of questions about something, take time to pay attention to them and give them honest answers to their questions. If you don’t know an answer, tell them you will find out for them or include them in your quest to learn the answer. This will tell them that their interests and purposes are important to you and therefore important to them also.
Create an atmosphere where children feel free to explore and discover. Some towns have centers just for this purpose. The local library is always such a place. Here in Helena we have the Exploration Works Interactive Museum. Most large cities have similar environments dedicated to a child’s need to explore and discover.
For older children, encourage and help your child set up an interview with an adult role model that they admire in your community. Help them develop a list of questions to ask based on their own desire to know the person.
So there are a few ideas. If you want more, contact me. Remember, there is no greater success than to have meaningful work and a purpose for living.
To invest in this positive identity asset, parents and other adults in a child’s life feel and show that their lives have purpose. Children are curious and interested in exploring the world around them. As they grow, they feel that their life too has purpose and they actively engage the world with their unique gifts and skills to fulfill their purpose.
Parents and adults should get in touch with what is important to them and then share this with the children in their life. For instance, you could do this by saying to children, “I walk every day to stay healthy. Walking makes me feel great and I keep doing it because one of these days I want to take a hiking trip through the mountains.”
If you are living your dream or have met some important goals, share your stories about the process from having the dream to making it come true. You could also examine or create a list of dreams or goals and share one with your child. Say you want to learn to fly fish or remodel your kitchen. Let your child be in on the process and observe or even help you follow through on making that goal a reality.
You inspire hope by being hopeful, and you inspire interests by being interested. Let your children see that you are enthusiastic about life. Talk about your feelings and what excited and inspires you. Plan with your child and show them how to make their dreams come true.
You can start early in a child’s life planting the seeds of a purposeful life. Make sure infants and toddlers can make choices about toys to play with or interests they have. When they show an interest, give them opportunities to explore that interest. If a child shows an interest in music, make musical toys and instruments available to them. If the child likes to put things together, get them building blocks, Legos, or Lincoln Logs.
Keep your child’s life interesting and stimulating. Find ways to include your children in things that you enjoy too. If a child is asking a lot of questions about something, take time to pay attention to them and give them honest answers to their questions. If you don’t know an answer, tell them you will find out for them or include them in your quest to learn the answer. This will tell them that their interests and purposes are important to you and therefore important to them also.
Create an atmosphere where children feel free to explore and discover. Some towns have centers just for this purpose. The local library is always such a place. Here in Helena we have the Exploration Works Interactive Museum. Most large cities have similar environments dedicated to a child’s need to explore and discover.
For older children, encourage and help your child set up an interview with an adult role model that they admire in your community. Help them develop a list of questions to ask based on their own desire to know the person.
So there are a few ideas. If you want more, contact me. Remember, there is no greater success than to have meaningful work and a purpose for living.
Self-Esteem: An Essential Positive Identity Asset-Asset 38
Self-Esteem: An Essential Positive Identity Asset
A person’s self-esteem is their overall sense of value or self-worth. Self-esteem is gained through the way a person is treated and valued in their formative years. Parents play the most important role in helping their children develop a strong, positive and lasting sense of personal worth or self-esteem. Parents do this by setting a good example and showing the child, through their own behavior, how a person with good self-esteem acts and interacts with others. Parents also do this by being affirmative, supportive and giving important positive feedback to the child.
Being critical, negative, calling names and hitting a child deter from a positive sense of self-worth. Parents often feel that these negative reactions to their child are for the child’s own good; not realizing that during the formative years children take such information as descriptions or definitions of who they are. When a parent repeatedly tells a child, “You are a bad boy.” The child doesn’t think, “Dad doesn’t mean that. He’s just trying to make me good.” A child’s mind is much more literal than that. They come to believe that they are bad, particularly in the absence of consistent positive messages about them. They then tend to become the definitions that adults put on them. We want to avoid that in every way possible.
Some of the other things a parent can do to enhance self-esteem in their children are:
• People with a positive sense of self-esteem take good care of themselves and express a healthy sense of self-love and respect. Consistently model this for your child and other children.
• Accept and appreciate children as individuals. Be patient, kind and supportive as your children learn and grow at their own rate.
• Learn about developmental stages of life so as to not be unrealistic in your expectations of your child. Learn what the stages of growth and learning are and at what ages children learn about such things as self-control, moral awareness, sensitivity to others’ needs, etc.
• Do things with children, not just for them. Although children love getting presents, the best gift you can give them is your time and attention. This behavior show them they are a priority in your life and that you sincerely care.
• Show your concern for all children by what you do as well as by what you say. For example, make eye contact with them when you talk to them. Smile. Take time to ask about their life and their interests. Learn how to use affirmations and be affirmative, complimentary and supportive in your interactions with them. Give them your full attention and let them know you care. For a strong sense of community, safety and security, this is important for all children with whom you come in contact.
• If a child does something wrong or inappropriate, focus on the behavior, not on the child. Remember that a child’s self-esteem is still forming and is fragile. Handle it with care and love. Don’t say, “You’re so irresponsible!” Instead say something like, “That’s not like you to do something irresponsible. Let’s talk about it and see if we can use this to learn something.”
These are just a few ways you can ensure that you are a source of positive self-esteem for the children in your life. If you would like more on this subject, please call or email me. Remember the words of the old song, “Accentuate the Positive. Eliminate the Negative. And don’t mess with Mr. In-Between.”
A person’s self-esteem is their overall sense of value or self-worth. Self-esteem is gained through the way a person is treated and valued in their formative years. Parents play the most important role in helping their children develop a strong, positive and lasting sense of personal worth or self-esteem. Parents do this by setting a good example and showing the child, through their own behavior, how a person with good self-esteem acts and interacts with others. Parents also do this by being affirmative, supportive and giving important positive feedback to the child.
Being critical, negative, calling names and hitting a child deter from a positive sense of self-worth. Parents often feel that these negative reactions to their child are for the child’s own good; not realizing that during the formative years children take such information as descriptions or definitions of who they are. When a parent repeatedly tells a child, “You are a bad boy.” The child doesn’t think, “Dad doesn’t mean that. He’s just trying to make me good.” A child’s mind is much more literal than that. They come to believe that they are bad, particularly in the absence of consistent positive messages about them. They then tend to become the definitions that adults put on them. We want to avoid that in every way possible.
Some of the other things a parent can do to enhance self-esteem in their children are:
• People with a positive sense of self-esteem take good care of themselves and express a healthy sense of self-love and respect. Consistently model this for your child and other children.
• Accept and appreciate children as individuals. Be patient, kind and supportive as your children learn and grow at their own rate.
• Learn about developmental stages of life so as to not be unrealistic in your expectations of your child. Learn what the stages of growth and learning are and at what ages children learn about such things as self-control, moral awareness, sensitivity to others’ needs, etc.
• Do things with children, not just for them. Although children love getting presents, the best gift you can give them is your time and attention. This behavior show them they are a priority in your life and that you sincerely care.
• Show your concern for all children by what you do as well as by what you say. For example, make eye contact with them when you talk to them. Smile. Take time to ask about their life and their interests. Learn how to use affirmations and be affirmative, complimentary and supportive in your interactions with them. Give them your full attention and let them know you care. For a strong sense of community, safety and security, this is important for all children with whom you come in contact.
• If a child does something wrong or inappropriate, focus on the behavior, not on the child. Remember that a child’s self-esteem is still forming and is fragile. Handle it with care and love. Don’t say, “You’re so irresponsible!” Instead say something like, “That’s not like you to do something irresponsible. Let’s talk about it and see if we can use this to learn something.”
These are just a few ways you can ensure that you are a source of positive self-esteem for the children in your life. If you would like more on this subject, please call or email me. Remember the words of the old song, “Accentuate the Positive. Eliminate the Negative. And don’t mess with Mr. In-Between.”
Personal Power: A Positive Identity Asset-Asset 37
Personal Power: A Positive Identity Asset
Caring adults can sow the seeds of positive identity as soon as a child enters the world. While children grow, their sense of self needs to be cultivated and nurtured so they can learn who they are and what they can do. Adults around them can challenge, support, and guide children as they move through childhood and are on their way to becoming confident adolescents and adults. The first of the positive identity assets is personal power.
Personal power is related to a person’s ability to make things happen that they want to happen, to have a positive and creative influence on one’s surroundings and be able to meet challenges in a productive way.
Parents who demonstrate positive coping skills as they go about creating important outcomes and show the ability to maintain a sense of personal control in the face of challenges and frustrations are teaching their children healthy ways to deal with life. Parents with personal power also respond to their children so they begin to learn and experience their own ability to influence outcomes in their own life.
Here are some of the ways you as a parent can foster the growth of personal power in your children:
• Teaching personal power begins in infancy by responding to a child’s needs in consistent ways. If you know your baby is hungry, feed him or her. If they let you know they are wet, change them. This consistency and responsiveness begins to teach a child that they can and do influence the world around them.
• As they get older, let children play and do things their own way sometimes. If they enjoy looking at a book backwards and upside down, or want to wash and dry each dish one at a time, don’t interfere. Let them explore and learn some things on their own.
• Children have many different interests and talents. Encouraging and supporting them so they can follow their interests can give them a greater sense of personal power and influence over their life.
• Create boundaries that help children build their own sense of self-control or mastery rather than just follow the commands of adults. Make rules ahead of time so children can begin to work within them. For instance, when children know they are to finish their homework before playing, they are given the power to decide when to do their homework and thus have a sense of control over their ability to have time to play and do their thing too.
• Whenever possible given children choices in terms of what they want to do for things like weekend outings, movies to rent, or simple things like meal preparation. Respect your child’s decisions. If you don’t agree, talk honestly with your child about your concerns.
• Read about or watch movies about people who overcame difficulty situations and/or made their dreams come true. Emphasize the point that people can do great things when they set their mind to it and stick with a goal. Give your child the space they need to follow their own dreams, but also take steps to support and help nurture their efforts.
Again, these are only a few ideas around giving a child personal power. If you have questions or want more information, email or call me. And remember, personal power is the power of responsible choice; a freedom we all should have.
Caring adults can sow the seeds of positive identity as soon as a child enters the world. While children grow, their sense of self needs to be cultivated and nurtured so they can learn who they are and what they can do. Adults around them can challenge, support, and guide children as they move through childhood and are on their way to becoming confident adolescents and adults. The first of the positive identity assets is personal power.
Personal power is related to a person’s ability to make things happen that they want to happen, to have a positive and creative influence on one’s surroundings and be able to meet challenges in a productive way.
Parents who demonstrate positive coping skills as they go about creating important outcomes and show the ability to maintain a sense of personal control in the face of challenges and frustrations are teaching their children healthy ways to deal with life. Parents with personal power also respond to their children so they begin to learn and experience their own ability to influence outcomes in their own life.
Here are some of the ways you as a parent can foster the growth of personal power in your children:
• Teaching personal power begins in infancy by responding to a child’s needs in consistent ways. If you know your baby is hungry, feed him or her. If they let you know they are wet, change them. This consistency and responsiveness begins to teach a child that they can and do influence the world around them.
• As they get older, let children play and do things their own way sometimes. If they enjoy looking at a book backwards and upside down, or want to wash and dry each dish one at a time, don’t interfere. Let them explore and learn some things on their own.
• Children have many different interests and talents. Encouraging and supporting them so they can follow their interests can give them a greater sense of personal power and influence over their life.
• Create boundaries that help children build their own sense of self-control or mastery rather than just follow the commands of adults. Make rules ahead of time so children can begin to work within them. For instance, when children know they are to finish their homework before playing, they are given the power to decide when to do their homework and thus have a sense of control over their ability to have time to play and do their thing too.
• Whenever possible given children choices in terms of what they want to do for things like weekend outings, movies to rent, or simple things like meal preparation. Respect your child’s decisions. If you don’t agree, talk honestly with your child about your concerns.
• Read about or watch movies about people who overcame difficulty situations and/or made their dreams come true. Emphasize the point that people can do great things when they set their mind to it and stick with a goal. Give your child the space they need to follow their own dreams, but also take steps to support and help nurture their efforts.
Again, these are only a few ideas around giving a child personal power. If you have questions or want more information, email or call me. And remember, personal power is the power of responsible choice; a freedom we all should have.
Peaceful Conflict Resolution-Part 2-Asset 36
Peaceful Conflict Resolution-Part 2
I wanted to dedicate another article to this most important asset so parents and adults can get more ideas of how to begin to instill the idea of peaceful conflict resolution into the children in their lives.
As I mentioned in detail last time, the first thing to do is to examine your own behavior when dealing with the frustrations of conflict and then educate yourself on ways of resolving conflict that are peaceful and compassionate.
Then its important to recognize that there are things we can do from the time a child is born into our lives to plant the seeds of peaceful ways to resolve conflicts and differences. Some of these are:
• Creating a calm, nurturing and loving environment is important in the lives of children from birth through adolescence. Make sure your children observe and hear adults solve problems in peaceful, mature and rational ways, not with shouting and angry words.
• Children can learn violent behaviors from movies, TV, and video games. Screen and/or keep a close eye on what your children are exposed to. If you are watching something together and there are scenes that are violent or harsh, talk to your child about these and ask them if they can think of better ways to resolve the conflicts observed if they were happening in real life. Offer your own solutions once they have shared their ideas of better ways to handle conflicts. Also, be sure to show sincere approval and appreciation for good ideas and attempts at better ways.
• Aggressiveness can be part of a young child’s nature. If this is the case, help the child explore and learn better, more positive ways to express their feelings. For instance, you could have him or her paint or draw a picture that expresses how they are feeling. Then ask them to discuss the picture and how it depicts what they are feeling. This also creates a great opportunity to teach feeling words if your child is having trouble coming up with the words that truly describe what they are or were feeling.
• Help youngsters learn the skills they will need to avoid being bullies or victims. For example, teach them to say, “No, I don’t want to do that.” And if that doesn’t work, teach them to walk away and get help from an adult.
• Teach children that words and calling names can indeed hurt someone. Ask them to think about and then talk about how it feels when they are called names they don’t like.
• Break up fights if they happen. While it is important to let kids learn to work out disputes on their own, it is still an adult responsibility to make sure they don’t get hurt or seriously injured from physical fights. Teaching basic negotiation skills can go a long ways in helping children to know there are other ways of conflict resolution. Knowing how and when to use simple phrases like, “Let’s talk about this,” “I think you’re right,” or “I’m sorry.”
• Teach kids directly that violence is never a good way to solve problems. Lead them in discussions of how to create a peace plan for dealing with conflicts. Teach them “compassionate communication” as taught by Marshall Rosenberg in “Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Life (www.cnvc.org).
Together we can make a difference and life just goes better when people know how to resolve differences and conflict in peaceful ways. Write or call if you have questions.
I wanted to dedicate another article to this most important asset so parents and adults can get more ideas of how to begin to instill the idea of peaceful conflict resolution into the children in their lives.
As I mentioned in detail last time, the first thing to do is to examine your own behavior when dealing with the frustrations of conflict and then educate yourself on ways of resolving conflict that are peaceful and compassionate.
Then its important to recognize that there are things we can do from the time a child is born into our lives to plant the seeds of peaceful ways to resolve conflicts and differences. Some of these are:
• Creating a calm, nurturing and loving environment is important in the lives of children from birth through adolescence. Make sure your children observe and hear adults solve problems in peaceful, mature and rational ways, not with shouting and angry words.
• Children can learn violent behaviors from movies, TV, and video games. Screen and/or keep a close eye on what your children are exposed to. If you are watching something together and there are scenes that are violent or harsh, talk to your child about these and ask them if they can think of better ways to resolve the conflicts observed if they were happening in real life. Offer your own solutions once they have shared their ideas of better ways to handle conflicts. Also, be sure to show sincere approval and appreciation for good ideas and attempts at better ways.
• Aggressiveness can be part of a young child’s nature. If this is the case, help the child explore and learn better, more positive ways to express their feelings. For instance, you could have him or her paint or draw a picture that expresses how they are feeling. Then ask them to discuss the picture and how it depicts what they are feeling. This also creates a great opportunity to teach feeling words if your child is having trouble coming up with the words that truly describe what they are or were feeling.
• Help youngsters learn the skills they will need to avoid being bullies or victims. For example, teach them to say, “No, I don’t want to do that.” And if that doesn’t work, teach them to walk away and get help from an adult.
• Teach children that words and calling names can indeed hurt someone. Ask them to think about and then talk about how it feels when they are called names they don’t like.
• Break up fights if they happen. While it is important to let kids learn to work out disputes on their own, it is still an adult responsibility to make sure they don’t get hurt or seriously injured from physical fights. Teaching basic negotiation skills can go a long ways in helping children to know there are other ways of conflict resolution. Knowing how and when to use simple phrases like, “Let’s talk about this,” “I think you’re right,” or “I’m sorry.”
• Teach kids directly that violence is never a good way to solve problems. Lead them in discussions of how to create a peace plan for dealing with conflicts. Teach them “compassionate communication” as taught by Marshall Rosenberg in “Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Life (www.cnvc.org).
Together we can make a difference and life just goes better when people know how to resolve differences and conflict in peaceful ways. Write or call if you have questions.
Peaceful Conflict Resolution-Asset 36
Peaceful Conflict Resolution
To invest in today’s developmental asset, parents and other adults need to model and help children learn to cope with frustrations and resolve conflicts nonviolently.
One of the first and best steps in modeling peaceful conflict resolution is to become conscious of how you behave when you are dealing with conflict and feeling frustrated or angry. Ask yourself these questions: Am I working to understand the other person’s point of view? I am working towards a positive or “win-win” solution? What am I teaching my child (or children) by the way I handle conflict? Do I need to know more about peaceful conflict resolution myself?
If the answer to this last question is yes, then a great place to start is the work of Marshall Rosenberg in his book, “Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Life.” Many people, including myself, have chosen to call this style of conflict resolution “compassionate communication” or peaceful conflict resolution.
Compassionate communication helps us reframe and organize how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on our awareness of what we perceive, feel, want and need. We are taught how to express ourselves with honest and clarity, while at the same time paying others respect and empathic attention.
In teaching compassionate communication, Rosenberg says it’s important to focus on four areas when trying to express ourselves to resolve a conflict.
The first area is Observation. This involves observing what is actually happening in the situation at hand without imposing judgment or criticism reactively.
The second is to State How We Feel when we observe the situation or action. Are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc?
The third is to State What Our Needs Are in relation to the situation and our feelings about it.
Here is an example of how a mother might apply compassionate communication to an issue with her teen-aged son: “Kevin, when I see two balls of dirty socks under the coffee table and three more next to the TV, I feel irritated because I need more order and cleanliness in the rooms we share.”
The fourth component of the compassionate communication formula is to Make a Specific Request. In our example, Kevin’s mother might add, “Would you be willing to put your socks in the hamper or in your room?” This request suggests a result that would enrich the lives of all parties involved.
By learning this approach, Kevin’s mother (and parents in general) has a better chance of gaining Kevin’s cooperation. Also, Kevin (and other children) has an excellent opportunity to learn to communicate using a peaceful conflict resolution.
For more information on Marshall Rosenberg’s work, go to www.cnvc.org. Also, because I feel this asset is so important in the success and quality of a child’s life, I will be returning in future articles to give further suggestions for developing peaceful conflict resolution. Please email or call me if you have any questions or would like to know more.
To invest in today’s developmental asset, parents and other adults need to model and help children learn to cope with frustrations and resolve conflicts nonviolently.
One of the first and best steps in modeling peaceful conflict resolution is to become conscious of how you behave when you are dealing with conflict and feeling frustrated or angry. Ask yourself these questions: Am I working to understand the other person’s point of view? I am working towards a positive or “win-win” solution? What am I teaching my child (or children) by the way I handle conflict? Do I need to know more about peaceful conflict resolution myself?
If the answer to this last question is yes, then a great place to start is the work of Marshall Rosenberg in his book, “Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Life.” Many people, including myself, have chosen to call this style of conflict resolution “compassionate communication” or peaceful conflict resolution.
Compassionate communication helps us reframe and organize how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on our awareness of what we perceive, feel, want and need. We are taught how to express ourselves with honest and clarity, while at the same time paying others respect and empathic attention.
In teaching compassionate communication, Rosenberg says it’s important to focus on four areas when trying to express ourselves to resolve a conflict.
The first area is Observation. This involves observing what is actually happening in the situation at hand without imposing judgment or criticism reactively.
The second is to State How We Feel when we observe the situation or action. Are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc?
The third is to State What Our Needs Are in relation to the situation and our feelings about it.
Here is an example of how a mother might apply compassionate communication to an issue with her teen-aged son: “Kevin, when I see two balls of dirty socks under the coffee table and three more next to the TV, I feel irritated because I need more order and cleanliness in the rooms we share.”
The fourth component of the compassionate communication formula is to Make a Specific Request. In our example, Kevin’s mother might add, “Would you be willing to put your socks in the hamper or in your room?” This request suggests a result that would enrich the lives of all parties involved.
By learning this approach, Kevin’s mother (and parents in general) has a better chance of gaining Kevin’s cooperation. Also, Kevin (and other children) has an excellent opportunity to learn to communicate using a peaceful conflict resolution.
For more information on Marshall Rosenberg’s work, go to www.cnvc.org. Also, because I feel this asset is so important in the success and quality of a child’s life, I will be returning in future articles to give further suggestions for developing peaceful conflict resolution. Please email or call me if you have any questions or would like to know more.
Learning to Make Safe and Wise Choices-Asset 35
Learning to Make Safe and Wise Choices
An investment in this social competency asset requires parents and other adults to model making safe and sane choices and avoiding dangerous situations. This asset also requires parents and other adults to model “resistance skills” in response to peer pressure.
One of the first things I need to mention is that the “Family Values Integrity” asset I wrote about a couple of months back plays an important role in being able to teach the current asset of being able to make wise choices and resistant poor choices. The Family Values Integrity asset basically calls for a person to act on their convictions and stand up for their beliefs. You simply can’t have integrity if you can’t say no and avoid dangerous and risky situations. You will need to promote both of these in your children and in yourself.
Parents and other close adults also need to understand and practice their own resistance skills. Some would call these skills “will power.” When you say you are going on a diet, your child will learn resistance skills if they are able to watch you as you make healthy food choices and stick to your diet. Your children will also learn resistance skills when they are able to observe you making choices not to do unacceptable or dangerous things. Look for these opportunities in your daily life and share your decision making process with your family and children. These opportunities often come into play when we make decisions to stop or break unhealthy habits or excesses. For instance, if you make a decision to only have one cup of coffee instead of three before going to work, let everyone know and then let them hear you make moment-to-moment decisions as you stick to this plan. You might let them hear you say, “Boy I’d really like another cup of coffee but instead I’m going to have a cup of decaf tea now.” Also share with them how good it feels to follow through on your commitments.
As a parent, any time you are coping with a problem can be an opportunity to demonstrate resistance skill and making healthy, safe and wise choices. For example, if you are frustrated about your vehicle not running, you might share your feelings and then making a wise choice. Say, “My truck is giving me fits. Part of me would like to tear it down and sell it for part. But another part of me knows that if I can keep it running another two months, I’ll be able to invest in a new car, so I guess I’ll keep it for now.” If you have your own challenges coping with problems, bad habits or addictions, get help and be open about it. Make it your responsibility to improve your lifestyle and skills so you are a positive role model for your children.
Make the next step in your education for the profession of parenthood that of learning more about teaching your children resistance skills. David Wilmes’ book Helping Kids Learn Refusal Skills is an excellent place to start.
If you want more information about this asset, please call or email me. Always know that its not so much what you say as it is what you do that influences the lives of children.
An investment in this social competency asset requires parents and other adults to model making safe and sane choices and avoiding dangerous situations. This asset also requires parents and other adults to model “resistance skills” in response to peer pressure.
One of the first things I need to mention is that the “Family Values Integrity” asset I wrote about a couple of months back plays an important role in being able to teach the current asset of being able to make wise choices and resistant poor choices. The Family Values Integrity asset basically calls for a person to act on their convictions and stand up for their beliefs. You simply can’t have integrity if you can’t say no and avoid dangerous and risky situations. You will need to promote both of these in your children and in yourself.
Parents and other close adults also need to understand and practice their own resistance skills. Some would call these skills “will power.” When you say you are going on a diet, your child will learn resistance skills if they are able to watch you as you make healthy food choices and stick to your diet. Your children will also learn resistance skills when they are able to observe you making choices not to do unacceptable or dangerous things. Look for these opportunities in your daily life and share your decision making process with your family and children. These opportunities often come into play when we make decisions to stop or break unhealthy habits or excesses. For instance, if you make a decision to only have one cup of coffee instead of three before going to work, let everyone know and then let them hear you make moment-to-moment decisions as you stick to this plan. You might let them hear you say, “Boy I’d really like another cup of coffee but instead I’m going to have a cup of decaf tea now.” Also share with them how good it feels to follow through on your commitments.
As a parent, any time you are coping with a problem can be an opportunity to demonstrate resistance skill and making healthy, safe and wise choices. For example, if you are frustrated about your vehicle not running, you might share your feelings and then making a wise choice. Say, “My truck is giving me fits. Part of me would like to tear it down and sell it for part. But another part of me knows that if I can keep it running another two months, I’ll be able to invest in a new car, so I guess I’ll keep it for now.” If you have your own challenges coping with problems, bad habits or addictions, get help and be open about it. Make it your responsibility to improve your lifestyle and skills so you are a positive role model for your children.
Make the next step in your education for the profession of parenthood that of learning more about teaching your children resistance skills. David Wilmes’ book Helping Kids Learn Refusal Skills is an excellent place to start.
If you want more information about this asset, please call or email me. Always know that its not so much what you say as it is what you do that influences the lives of children.
Teaching Cultural Competence-Asset 34
Teaching Cultural Competence
To invest in this developmental asset, parents need to assist their children in being comfortable with people of different cultural, religious, racial and/or ethnic backgrounds.
The best way to teach comfort and competence of this nature is for parents to model it for their children. A natural part of this would be celebrating the holidays, festivals and other special days that are part of your heritage. Involve your children in these festivities.
Taking some time to educate your children on the history of the ways and holidays of your heritage is particularly helpful. Books, stories and other media presentations of your cultural history and historic figures can be fun and informative for children. They may even find some positive role models out of the experience.
It is also important as parents to take some time to examine your own personal feelings, discomforts and possible prejudices towards others. Everyone has some early influences that sway their opinion one way or another towards people different than us. Which groups of people make you uncomfortable? Why? Think about why you feel that way and work towards overcoming those feelings.
Once your children have a solid grounding in your own heritage, you can begin to explore with them and make positive comparisons with other cultures or groups to give them a healthy sense of diversity and a broader sense of understanding difference.
Make books and media available to your children that were written by authors from other cultures. Ideally, these books would have color photos and illustrations to show your child the entire picture of the lives of other children and families from other parts of the world. National Geographic magazine is an excellent source of intercultural information. Read these books and publications together so you can answer questions and interact on the subject to express a sense of equality and compassion. It is important that you see the positives in difference and diversity and express that to your children.
Now that you are getting a sense of what this asset is about, here is a list of other ideas for expanding and teaching cultural competence to your children:
• At the earliest ages possible, teach children about their own racial, ethnic, and cultural heritage. Help them be proud of who they are without feeling superior to other children. A quick example: Tell them, “You’re proud of being Irish just like your friend is proud of being Native American.”
• Learn simple dances from a variety of cultures and share them with your children.
• Eat foods from many cultures, both at home and at ethnic restaurants. Use the meals to teach why certain foods were part of another culture’s lifestyle. For instance, say, “Corn was one of the first foods cultivated by Native Americans, who also were the first to grow popcorn.”
• Visit museums and exhibits that feature works and artifacts from other cultures.
• Learn about and share knowledge of other faith traditions.
• Speak up when others or your children tell jokes that make fun of other cultures, races, religions or people. Make it clear that you don’t think such jokes are appropriate.
So there are a few ideas on teaching cultural competence. Write or call me if you have questions or want more information. And remember to enjoy the beauty of diversity and difference!
To invest in this developmental asset, parents need to assist their children in being comfortable with people of different cultural, religious, racial and/or ethnic backgrounds.
The best way to teach comfort and competence of this nature is for parents to model it for their children. A natural part of this would be celebrating the holidays, festivals and other special days that are part of your heritage. Involve your children in these festivities.
Taking some time to educate your children on the history of the ways and holidays of your heritage is particularly helpful. Books, stories and other media presentations of your cultural history and historic figures can be fun and informative for children. They may even find some positive role models out of the experience.
It is also important as parents to take some time to examine your own personal feelings, discomforts and possible prejudices towards others. Everyone has some early influences that sway their opinion one way or another towards people different than us. Which groups of people make you uncomfortable? Why? Think about why you feel that way and work towards overcoming those feelings.
Once your children have a solid grounding in your own heritage, you can begin to explore with them and make positive comparisons with other cultures or groups to give them a healthy sense of diversity and a broader sense of understanding difference.
Make books and media available to your children that were written by authors from other cultures. Ideally, these books would have color photos and illustrations to show your child the entire picture of the lives of other children and families from other parts of the world. National Geographic magazine is an excellent source of intercultural information. Read these books and publications together so you can answer questions and interact on the subject to express a sense of equality and compassion. It is important that you see the positives in difference and diversity and express that to your children.
Now that you are getting a sense of what this asset is about, here is a list of other ideas for expanding and teaching cultural competence to your children:
• At the earliest ages possible, teach children about their own racial, ethnic, and cultural heritage. Help them be proud of who they are without feeling superior to other children. A quick example: Tell them, “You’re proud of being Irish just like your friend is proud of being Native American.”
• Learn simple dances from a variety of cultures and share them with your children.
• Eat foods from many cultures, both at home and at ethnic restaurants. Use the meals to teach why certain foods were part of another culture’s lifestyle. For instance, say, “Corn was one of the first foods cultivated by Native Americans, who also were the first to grow popcorn.”
• Visit museums and exhibits that feature works and artifacts from other cultures.
• Learn about and share knowledge of other faith traditions.
• Speak up when others or your children tell jokes that make fun of other cultures, races, religions or people. Make it clear that you don’t think such jokes are appropriate.
So there are a few ideas on teaching cultural competence. Write or call me if you have questions or want more information. And remember to enjoy the beauty of diversity and difference!
People and Feelings-Asset 33
People and Feelings
To create and invest in this next social competency asset, parents and other adults respond to children’s feelings and model positive interactions with others. They help children to express their feelings in appropriate ways and learn to respect the feelings of others. For some adults who haven’t grown up in emotionally expressive households, the first step in this process might be developing their own capacity for empathy (sensitivity to the feelings of others) and a feeling word vocabulary so they can express and experience feeling accurately.
Investment in your child’s people skills start at birth. Children who receive lots of nurturing touch, eye contact and smiles develop trust and feelings of security with other people, starting with their parents. Be sure to give plenty of verbal messages of love and adoration to your children from birth on too.
As your children learn to talk, be sure to pay attention to what they say as well as to how they are feeling when they express themselves (empathy). Using empathy, show them how to express themselves in emotionally appropriate ways, while at the same time teaching them words that express what they are feeling. For example, if you can tell from you child’s facial expression that they are sad about something, say, “You seem to be feeling SAD. Do you want to tell me what you are SAD about?” Or, if your child is really pleased with a painting they have done, you could respond by saying, “You seem to be very HAPPY with your painting. You should feel PROUD of yourself. That is very good work!”
You can make adding to your child’s “feeling word vocabulary” a fun activity when reading magazines, watching movies or television shows. This is made easier with DVDs and prerecorded shows that you can start and stop at will. You can set an objective of paying attention to and discussing how the people you are observing are feeling. As the parent, you can point out people who are expressing emotion and ask you child to say what they think the person is feeling. And then you can share your added perceptions as well, thus teaching the appropriate labels attached to feeling states and reinforcing your child’s perceptions.
The other essential investment in your child’s ability to relate successfully with others comes from observing and experiencing quality interactions between you and other people. For parents, this means being conscious of the fact that your quality of relationship is being downloaded into your child’s perceptions of how to relate to others. Therefore, it is important that parents make it their responsibility to treat others with kindness, respect, love and responsible communication of feelings. Also parents should take it upon themselves to learn how to be assertive (as opposed to being aggressive or passive) and how to communicate compassionately. There are books and workshops available to help parents develop these skills and learn how to pass them on to their children.
If you have any questions or if you would like more ideas on how to help you child learn people skills, please call or email me. And always remember, your children learn more from the way you live than they do from what you tell them they should do.
To create and invest in this next social competency asset, parents and other adults respond to children’s feelings and model positive interactions with others. They help children to express their feelings in appropriate ways and learn to respect the feelings of others. For some adults who haven’t grown up in emotionally expressive households, the first step in this process might be developing their own capacity for empathy (sensitivity to the feelings of others) and a feeling word vocabulary so they can express and experience feeling accurately.
Investment in your child’s people skills start at birth. Children who receive lots of nurturing touch, eye contact and smiles develop trust and feelings of security with other people, starting with their parents. Be sure to give plenty of verbal messages of love and adoration to your children from birth on too.
As your children learn to talk, be sure to pay attention to what they say as well as to how they are feeling when they express themselves (empathy). Using empathy, show them how to express themselves in emotionally appropriate ways, while at the same time teaching them words that express what they are feeling. For example, if you can tell from you child’s facial expression that they are sad about something, say, “You seem to be feeling SAD. Do you want to tell me what you are SAD about?” Or, if your child is really pleased with a painting they have done, you could respond by saying, “You seem to be very HAPPY with your painting. You should feel PROUD of yourself. That is very good work!”
You can make adding to your child’s “feeling word vocabulary” a fun activity when reading magazines, watching movies or television shows. This is made easier with DVDs and prerecorded shows that you can start and stop at will. You can set an objective of paying attention to and discussing how the people you are observing are feeling. As the parent, you can point out people who are expressing emotion and ask you child to say what they think the person is feeling. And then you can share your added perceptions as well, thus teaching the appropriate labels attached to feeling states and reinforcing your child’s perceptions.
The other essential investment in your child’s ability to relate successfully with others comes from observing and experiencing quality interactions between you and other people. For parents, this means being conscious of the fact that your quality of relationship is being downloaded into your child’s perceptions of how to relate to others. Therefore, it is important that parents make it their responsibility to treat others with kindness, respect, love and responsible communication of feelings. Also parents should take it upon themselves to learn how to be assertive (as opposed to being aggressive or passive) and how to communicate compassionately. There are books and workshops available to help parents develop these skills and learn how to pass them on to their children.
If you have any questions or if you would like more ideas on how to help you child learn people skills, please call or email me. And always remember, your children learn more from the way you live than they do from what you tell them they should do.
Competent Planning and Decision Making-Asset 32
Competent Planning and Decision Making
This next series of developmental assets fall under the umbrella of what we call social competencies. The first of these assets is gained by investing in your child’s ability to plan and make decisions in a competent manner. To do so, parents and other adults have to set an intention to teach children how to make appropriate choice and to understand that they are making choices all the time when they decide to do or say something and when they decide not to do or say something. Also, children need to learn that decisions are part of learning to plan ahead and how to problems are solved.
Here are some specific ways to begin teaching these skills to your children:
• Think about your own planning and decision making skills and habits. Build on your strengths and work on your limitations. Model and teach your children how to create “to-do list” and how to use planning calendars.
• When you are making a decision about something yourself, involve your child in the process of making a list of pros and cons around the choices at hand. Let them observe and even participate in the thinking process you use in coming to a decision.
• Look for opportunities to give your children choices and be patient with them as they work through make decisions. Let them consider their options without rushing them to make a choice.
• Children don’t always understand what their choices are. You can help by pointing out their options in the beginning. Then as they begin to grasp the idea of choice, ask them to name the possibilities or options they have. Reward their efforts regardless if they do a flawless job of sorting out options and making a decision.
• Let your children know that most decisions can be reversed if the outcomes are not what they intended and all decisions are opportunities to learn something about their choices. This helps them learn not to fear making a “wrong decision.”
• Don’t let your children become “overwhelmed by the wealth of their options.” If there are too many possibilities, help your child learn how to prioritize the options or to break them down into smaller steps or phases. Also, be involved enough with such a process that you can remind them of things they are not thinking about. For instance, if your child needs to make a choice between going to band camp or on a campout with the boy scouts, there will be a number of considerations involved, such as costs, time of year, benefits to their future goals, your child’s feelings and needs relative to each option, needed supplies, what other events they will miss, which is most likely to be repeated, what the conditions will be like in each setting, and the list can go on and on. Your assistance with making such decisions can be invaluable for your child’s future ability to make complex decisions.
These are only a few ideas which will get your started on the path of investing in this developmental asset. For more ideas relevant to the age of your child, call or email me and I will be happy to share more ways to develop your child’s decision making and planning skills.
This next series of developmental assets fall under the umbrella of what we call social competencies. The first of these assets is gained by investing in your child’s ability to plan and make decisions in a competent manner. To do so, parents and other adults have to set an intention to teach children how to make appropriate choice and to understand that they are making choices all the time when they decide to do or say something and when they decide not to do or say something. Also, children need to learn that decisions are part of learning to plan ahead and how to problems are solved.
Here are some specific ways to begin teaching these skills to your children:
• Think about your own planning and decision making skills and habits. Build on your strengths and work on your limitations. Model and teach your children how to create “to-do list” and how to use planning calendars.
• When you are making a decision about something yourself, involve your child in the process of making a list of pros and cons around the choices at hand. Let them observe and even participate in the thinking process you use in coming to a decision.
• Look for opportunities to give your children choices and be patient with them as they work through make decisions. Let them consider their options without rushing them to make a choice.
• Children don’t always understand what their choices are. You can help by pointing out their options in the beginning. Then as they begin to grasp the idea of choice, ask them to name the possibilities or options they have. Reward their efforts regardless if they do a flawless job of sorting out options and making a decision.
• Let your children know that most decisions can be reversed if the outcomes are not what they intended and all decisions are opportunities to learn something about their choices. This helps them learn not to fear making a “wrong decision.”
• Don’t let your children become “overwhelmed by the wealth of their options.” If there are too many possibilities, help your child learn how to prioritize the options or to break them down into smaller steps or phases. Also, be involved enough with such a process that you can remind them of things they are not thinking about. For instance, if your child needs to make a choice between going to band camp or on a campout with the boy scouts, there will be a number of considerations involved, such as costs, time of year, benefits to their future goals, your child’s feelings and needs relative to each option, needed supplies, what other events they will miss, which is most likely to be repeated, what the conditions will be like in each setting, and the list can go on and on. Your assistance with making such decisions can be invaluable for your child’s future ability to make complex decisions.
These are only a few ideas which will get your started on the path of investing in this developmental asset. For more ideas relevant to the age of your child, call or email me and I will be happy to share more ways to develop your child’s decision making and planning skills.
Family Values Healthy Lifestyle-Asset 31
Family Values Healthy Lifestyle
This week’s asset is the last of our Positive Values Assets and addresses the importance of the family living a healthy lifestyle. For this asset to be solidly in place for a child, his or her parents and other significant adults need to model, monitor and teach healthy habits, attitudes and principles. When this happens, children learn to take care of their bodies, to respect themselves and others and also learn healthy attitudes around sexuality.
While I know many parents are already aware of this responsibility, let me start from scratch in terms of suggesting where to get started on investing in this asset for your child and your community. One of the first things that needs doing is for parents and other significant adults to examine their beliefs, values and views about health and sexuality. The question to be asked is, “Am I living the lifestyle I want my children to learn and live?” Also ask the more general question, “What else do I want my children to learn about living and personal and intimate relationships?”
After gathering the answers to these questions, find ways to get your messages across. For example, you might explain to your child as you eat a meal which foods are proteins, which are carbohydrates and which are fats. You might also explain how eat food group benefits our bodies. Of course, you may need to educate yourself on these food facts first. Another example, would be to teach you child or children about personal boundaries by explaining they have the right to decide who touches them and when. For instance, before holding their hand, ask, “Is it alright if I hold hands with you?” While this may seem too formal, the point is to teach them that others should respect their boundaries enough to ask permission to touch.
Another thing parents can do is to be attentive to and responsible for the type of media your child is exposed to. This can include having magazines around the house that are about health and well-being, as opposed to magazines that focus on glamour and superficial aspects of living. Also, parents should look for television programs and movies that also depict healthy lifestyles and relationships. Being aware of these media forms, I know these healthy models may be hard to find. The other option is to watch movies or television programs with your children and when you see that healthy behaviors are not being modeled, you can use that opportunity to do some values clarification. After the movie, explain to your child what you saw as inappropriate or unhealthy about the programs and why.
Other things you can do to model and teach healthy lifestyles are: help you child make healthy choices eating, sleeping, bathing, grooming, physical activity and healthy relationships. You should model for your child loving and caring relationships through your relationships with your spouse and significant others. Also, keep educating yourself on healthy living and this will teach the value of learning as a part of being healthy.
As usual, if you want more information on this asset, please feel free to contact me via phone or email. Remember, if you value your health, so will your child!
This week’s asset is the last of our Positive Values Assets and addresses the importance of the family living a healthy lifestyle. For this asset to be solidly in place for a child, his or her parents and other significant adults need to model, monitor and teach healthy habits, attitudes and principles. When this happens, children learn to take care of their bodies, to respect themselves and others and also learn healthy attitudes around sexuality.
While I know many parents are already aware of this responsibility, let me start from scratch in terms of suggesting where to get started on investing in this asset for your child and your community. One of the first things that needs doing is for parents and other significant adults to examine their beliefs, values and views about health and sexuality. The question to be asked is, “Am I living the lifestyle I want my children to learn and live?” Also ask the more general question, “What else do I want my children to learn about living and personal and intimate relationships?”
After gathering the answers to these questions, find ways to get your messages across. For example, you might explain to your child as you eat a meal which foods are proteins, which are carbohydrates and which are fats. You might also explain how eat food group benefits our bodies. Of course, you may need to educate yourself on these food facts first. Another example, would be to teach you child or children about personal boundaries by explaining they have the right to decide who touches them and when. For instance, before holding their hand, ask, “Is it alright if I hold hands with you?” While this may seem too formal, the point is to teach them that others should respect their boundaries enough to ask permission to touch.
Another thing parents can do is to be attentive to and responsible for the type of media your child is exposed to. This can include having magazines around the house that are about health and well-being, as opposed to magazines that focus on glamour and superficial aspects of living. Also, parents should look for television programs and movies that also depict healthy lifestyles and relationships. Being aware of these media forms, I know these healthy models may be hard to find. The other option is to watch movies or television programs with your children and when you see that healthy behaviors are not being modeled, you can use that opportunity to do some values clarification. After the movie, explain to your child what you saw as inappropriate or unhealthy about the programs and why.
Other things you can do to model and teach healthy lifestyles are: help you child make healthy choices eating, sleeping, bathing, grooming, physical activity and healthy relationships. You should model for your child loving and caring relationships through your relationships with your spouse and significant others. Also, keep educating yourself on healthy living and this will teach the value of learning as a part of being healthy.
As usual, if you want more information on this asset, please feel free to contact me via phone or email. Remember, if you value your health, so will your child!
Family Values Responsibility-Asset 30
Family Values Responsibility
To invest in this developmental asset for your children and your community, parents and other adults need to be conscious of modeling personal responsibility in all they think, speak and do. Through observing responsible adults, children will learn that actions affect others and grow up accepting and taking responsibility for their decisions and actions.
Certainly, as with other developmental assets, the age of your child will influence which approaches to teaching responsibility you use. One thing that’s important for children, toddlers on up, is how you relate to them. In day-to-day interactions, children learn responsibility from your ability to respond to their needs. Being there for your children and being true to your word go a long way towards their learning the value of responsiveness in relationship to others.
Children can also learn from you talking about and explaining what responsibility means. For instance, you can say to your school age child, “I want to be at the Parent-Teacher Night because I love you and I feel it’s my responsibility as your parent to know how things are going for you at school.”
Another thing you can do is to involve your child in making up your To-Do list for the day. Let them know that you are making a list of things you are responsible for getting done that day and ask if there is anything he or she would like you to do for them. You could say, “I am going to the grocery store and to the shopping mall today. Here are some of the things I plan to get. Is there anything you need that I have missed?”
You can also teach your child to make their own To-Do lists, explaining that it is a great way for them to stay on track with things they want to be sure to do that day. Their list can and should include fun things to do as well as things they are responsible for doing, such as walking the dog, doing the dishes or doing their math homework. This is also a great time to teach your child that many things they may want to get done need to be broken down into smaller more achievable tasks. You can help them decide and put the proper steps to their goals on their list, even if it’s a daily recap and going from where they left off the day before. Learning this type of follow through and persistence is very valuable to learning responsible behavior.
Younger children learn by doing, so encourage, acknowledge and thank them for accomplishing things like brushing their teeth on their own, turning off lights and especially for following through on simple tasks without being told. At the same time, don’t expect perfection right off the bat. Reward attempts as they learn tasks and responsibilities. If your child doesn’t behave responsibly, find out what’s wrong and how they are feeling. They may be tired, hungry, need personal attention or are distracted by something else. Attend to their needs first then ask them to take care of their responsibilities. Again, responsibilities at this age should be simple and relatively easily accomplished.
So there are a few ideas for you. Let me know if you have questions or want to explore how to invest in this asset further. And remember, in our world freedom comes from responsibility!
To invest in this developmental asset for your children and your community, parents and other adults need to be conscious of modeling personal responsibility in all they think, speak and do. Through observing responsible adults, children will learn that actions affect others and grow up accepting and taking responsibility for their decisions and actions.
Certainly, as with other developmental assets, the age of your child will influence which approaches to teaching responsibility you use. One thing that’s important for children, toddlers on up, is how you relate to them. In day-to-day interactions, children learn responsibility from your ability to respond to their needs. Being there for your children and being true to your word go a long way towards their learning the value of responsiveness in relationship to others.
Children can also learn from you talking about and explaining what responsibility means. For instance, you can say to your school age child, “I want to be at the Parent-Teacher Night because I love you and I feel it’s my responsibility as your parent to know how things are going for you at school.”
Another thing you can do is to involve your child in making up your To-Do list for the day. Let them know that you are making a list of things you are responsible for getting done that day and ask if there is anything he or she would like you to do for them. You could say, “I am going to the grocery store and to the shopping mall today. Here are some of the things I plan to get. Is there anything you need that I have missed?”
You can also teach your child to make their own To-Do lists, explaining that it is a great way for them to stay on track with things they want to be sure to do that day. Their list can and should include fun things to do as well as things they are responsible for doing, such as walking the dog, doing the dishes or doing their math homework. This is also a great time to teach your child that many things they may want to get done need to be broken down into smaller more achievable tasks. You can help them decide and put the proper steps to their goals on their list, even if it’s a daily recap and going from where they left off the day before. Learning this type of follow through and persistence is very valuable to learning responsible behavior.
Younger children learn by doing, so encourage, acknowledge and thank them for accomplishing things like brushing their teeth on their own, turning off lights and especially for following through on simple tasks without being told. At the same time, don’t expect perfection right off the bat. Reward attempts as they learn tasks and responsibilities. If your child doesn’t behave responsibly, find out what’s wrong and how they are feeling. They may be tired, hungry, need personal attention or are distracted by something else. Attend to their needs first then ask them to take care of their responsibilities. Again, responsibilities at this age should be simple and relatively easily accomplished.
So there are a few ideas for you. Let me know if you have questions or want to explore how to invest in this asset further. And remember, in our world freedom comes from responsibility!
Family Values Honesty-Asset 29
Family Values Honesty
This week I continue with another of the assets that contribute to positive values for your child or children. Investment in this asset calls upon parents and other adults to model honest and to teach children the difference between lying and telling the truth. As your children grow up they will learn the wisdom of valuing honesty and strive to always tell the truth.
Honesty, like other values, takes time for children to grasp. Moral intelligence is said to be possible after the age of 7 or 8 years. Prior to that, a child’s mind is still rich in fantasy and imagination which dictates their view of reality to such an extent that adults may think the child is lying when they really aren’t. The child may simply be fantasizing and not truly dealing with the same reality as the adult. However, the key from infancy on is for children to live with and learn from honest adults. Children do observe and take note of “congruence’ in others. Congruence basically means when a person’s word matches their behavior and actions. When they there is a lot of incongruence in a child’s world, they grow up confused and frustrated. When there is consistent congruence, they grow up feeling greater trust, clarity, certainty and honesty about their world.
Some specific things you can do to further your child’s understanding of honesty include:
• Sow the seeds of honesty around small children by making sure the people they interact with are honest with themselves and others. When you are with small children be honest. For example, when someone is late for a play date, talk about it in front of the child. Be direct, assertive and polite. Say something like, “We’re glad to see you. We were expecting you at three o’clock.”
• When possible, admit to your child that you have been dishonest and the reason for doing so. For instance, say, “I am sorry I told you the cookies were all gone when they aren’t. I just think it would be better if you had a healthy snack, like an apple instead of a cookie.” This is good modeling for times your child might tell you something untrue.
• Talk with youngsters about the difference between lying and telling the truth. The role-play situations where they can choose to be truthful or not. Say, “Imagine that you broke your father’s favorite CD. I’ll pretend to be your father and ask you what happened.” Talk about what happens after someone tells the truth….or a lie.
• If your child is old enough to know the difference and they lie, stay calm and talk to them about betters ways they could have acted. Ask them how they could have handled it differently. Make it clear that it isn’t acceptable to lie. Let them know that part of being honest is facing what they’ve done wrong and that it is okay to make a mistake and to apologize for it but it is not okay to lie about it.
I hope these few ideas help you to start or continue building this important asset into your child’s life and the life of your community. Any questions? Call or email me.
This week I continue with another of the assets that contribute to positive values for your child or children. Investment in this asset calls upon parents and other adults to model honest and to teach children the difference between lying and telling the truth. As your children grow up they will learn the wisdom of valuing honesty and strive to always tell the truth.
Honesty, like other values, takes time for children to grasp. Moral intelligence is said to be possible after the age of 7 or 8 years. Prior to that, a child’s mind is still rich in fantasy and imagination which dictates their view of reality to such an extent that adults may think the child is lying when they really aren’t. The child may simply be fantasizing and not truly dealing with the same reality as the adult. However, the key from infancy on is for children to live with and learn from honest adults. Children do observe and take note of “congruence’ in others. Congruence basically means when a person’s word matches their behavior and actions. When they there is a lot of incongruence in a child’s world, they grow up confused and frustrated. When there is consistent congruence, they grow up feeling greater trust, clarity, certainty and honesty about their world.
Some specific things you can do to further your child’s understanding of honesty include:
• Sow the seeds of honesty around small children by making sure the people they interact with are honest with themselves and others. When you are with small children be honest. For example, when someone is late for a play date, talk about it in front of the child. Be direct, assertive and polite. Say something like, “We’re glad to see you. We were expecting you at three o’clock.”
• When possible, admit to your child that you have been dishonest and the reason for doing so. For instance, say, “I am sorry I told you the cookies were all gone when they aren’t. I just think it would be better if you had a healthy snack, like an apple instead of a cookie.” This is good modeling for times your child might tell you something untrue.
• Talk with youngsters about the difference between lying and telling the truth. The role-play situations where they can choose to be truthful or not. Say, “Imagine that you broke your father’s favorite CD. I’ll pretend to be your father and ask you what happened.” Talk about what happens after someone tells the truth….or a lie.
• If your child is old enough to know the difference and they lie, stay calm and talk to them about betters ways they could have acted. Ask them how they could have handled it differently. Make it clear that it isn’t acceptable to lie. Let them know that part of being honest is facing what they’ve done wrong and that it is okay to make a mistake and to apologize for it but it is not okay to lie about it.
I hope these few ideas help you to start or continue building this important asset into your child’s life and the life of your community. Any questions? Call or email me.
Standing Up for Your Convictions and Beliefs-Asset 28
Standing Up for Your Convictions and Beliefs
Continuing on the theme of “Positive Values Assets,” this week’s developmental asset focuses on the power of a child’s family valuing integrity. When a family values integrity, the parents and other adults set an important example by standing up for their beliefs and acting on their convictions. When this happens, the children grow up to be people who also stand by their beliefs. Knowing what you stand for is particularly preventative in the sense suggested by the old saying, “If you don’t know what you stand for, you will fall for anything.”
In considering and investing in this asset for your children, it is important to know that the concept of integrity it typically not fully understood until a child is around the ages of 7 or 8. Nevertheless, it’s important to model and teach values like honesty and a sense of right and wrong beginning early in your child’s life.
For instance, when making promises, it is important that you come through for your child in a reasonable amount of time. This goes a long way towards establishing trust, and the value that a person’s word is a bond, an important commitment. If you can’t honor your promise, be sure to always explain the reasons why, share you own disappointment around it and apologize sincerely for having to break your promise.
Another important thing in teaching integrity is to look at how you react when others don’t respect your principles, values and beliefs. Ask yourself, “I am behaving in a way that I want my child to learn?” If not, think about and come up with some new ways to stand up for yourself and your convictions.
With other adults, it’s important that you talk about what you believe and value. Make a vow to do the right thing and to act on what you believe. Talking about values with other adults will make it easier to discuss values with your children.
Also, be true to yourself by getting in touch with who you are. For example, if you enjoy quiet time, make time in your life each day for solitude. Create a lifestyle that genuinely fits you. Teach your children to do the same. This kind of personal honesty and understanding is the foundation for integrity in one’s life.
A few other things you can do to teach integrity include teaching children about people who model integrity and how they did it. People like Helen Keller, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or Abraham Lincoln are good examples of this. You can also be direct in letting your children know what’s right and wrong when they do something inappropriate. For instance, if a child slams a door out of anger, you can say, “Its okay to say you are angry at me, but it’s not okay for you to slam the door as a way of telling me.” And always value your child’s feeling and work with them instead of against them. People with integrity work to be in touch with their feelings and act according to their values. Begin to teach these skills early in your child’s life.
For more ideas, feel free to call or email me.
Continuing on the theme of “Positive Values Assets,” this week’s developmental asset focuses on the power of a child’s family valuing integrity. When a family values integrity, the parents and other adults set an important example by standing up for their beliefs and acting on their convictions. When this happens, the children grow up to be people who also stand by their beliefs. Knowing what you stand for is particularly preventative in the sense suggested by the old saying, “If you don’t know what you stand for, you will fall for anything.”
In considering and investing in this asset for your children, it is important to know that the concept of integrity it typically not fully understood until a child is around the ages of 7 or 8. Nevertheless, it’s important to model and teach values like honesty and a sense of right and wrong beginning early in your child’s life.
For instance, when making promises, it is important that you come through for your child in a reasonable amount of time. This goes a long way towards establishing trust, and the value that a person’s word is a bond, an important commitment. If you can’t honor your promise, be sure to always explain the reasons why, share you own disappointment around it and apologize sincerely for having to break your promise.
Another important thing in teaching integrity is to look at how you react when others don’t respect your principles, values and beliefs. Ask yourself, “I am behaving in a way that I want my child to learn?” If not, think about and come up with some new ways to stand up for yourself and your convictions.
With other adults, it’s important that you talk about what you believe and value. Make a vow to do the right thing and to act on what you believe. Talking about values with other adults will make it easier to discuss values with your children.
Also, be true to yourself by getting in touch with who you are. For example, if you enjoy quiet time, make time in your life each day for solitude. Create a lifestyle that genuinely fits you. Teach your children to do the same. This kind of personal honesty and understanding is the foundation for integrity in one’s life.
A few other things you can do to teach integrity include teaching children about people who model integrity and how they did it. People like Helen Keller, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, or Abraham Lincoln are good examples of this. You can also be direct in letting your children know what’s right and wrong when they do something inappropriate. For instance, if a child slams a door out of anger, you can say, “Its okay to say you are angry at me, but it’s not okay for you to slam the door as a way of telling me.” And always value your child’s feeling and work with them instead of against them. People with integrity work to be in touch with their feelings and act according to their values. Begin to teach these skills early in your child’s life.
For more ideas, feel free to call or email me.
Family Values Equality and Social Justice-Asset 27
Family Values Equality and Social Justice
Parents that demonstrate and value equality and social justice in their day-to-day lives are providing another valuable developmental asset for their children. As children from such families grow and mature they find ways to make their community a better place for everyone through understanding and living these values.
In order for parents to successfully provide for this asset it is important they take it upon themselves to understand basic human rights. One source of this information is the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (www.hrusa.org). Some example of these rights are the right to equality; freedom from discrimination; the right to life, liberty and personal security; freedom from interference with privacy, family, home and correspondence; freedom of religion and belief; freedom of opinion and information; the right to participate in government and free elections; and the right to education.
Given a basic knowledge of human rights, the best and most effective way to teach these values is through embodying and modeling them in your own interactions with people in your community. Let your words and actions show you care about equality and social justice. Another way this asset can be established is by treating your children as well as other children equally. There is often a tendency to gush over happy, cute and familiar children while acting more reserved around fussy, different or more ordinary looking children. It is important to be friendly and to treat all children the same. It is also important to treat children with respect. Ask for their opinions. Listen to their ideas. Respect and acknowledge their suggestions and respond to them when appropriate.
A great way to teach equality and social justice to children is by looking at photographs of children from different countries or different areas of the United States. While doing so you can ask questions like, “What’s different about where this child lives and where we live?” or “What’s do these children have in common with us?” Discuss how people live together in these different places; whether there is poverty or a class system there; does the other culture value youth, equality or justice; and what they think is good or bad about the perceived values there.
Some other interesting ways to explore and teach equality and justice is to talk about these topics directly. Discuss who the child thinks is treated more fairly, men or women; boys or girls; wealthy people or poor people; heavy people or thin people? Share your thoughts and opinions about these issues. Also, use news reports involving these types of issues. Read the article to your child and ask what they think about this issues and how they would suggest resolving it. Write a letter to the editor together.
Parents, you can also instill these types of values by creating opportunities to address solutions to issues of inequality in your community. For instance, if hunger is an issue, you can propose, like one family did for their daughter’s birthday party and with their daughter’s agreement, that instead of bringing gifts guests were asked to bring canned goods that would be donated to the local food bank. This was a hit!
As usual, these ideas are meant to stimulate some thought in the direction of investing in a valuable asset for you child’s life. If you would like more suggestions, please contact me.
Parents that demonstrate and value equality and social justice in their day-to-day lives are providing another valuable developmental asset for their children. As children from such families grow and mature they find ways to make their community a better place for everyone through understanding and living these values.
In order for parents to successfully provide for this asset it is important they take it upon themselves to understand basic human rights. One source of this information is the Universal Declaration of Human Rights (www.hrusa.org). Some example of these rights are the right to equality; freedom from discrimination; the right to life, liberty and personal security; freedom from interference with privacy, family, home and correspondence; freedom of religion and belief; freedom of opinion and information; the right to participate in government and free elections; and the right to education.
Given a basic knowledge of human rights, the best and most effective way to teach these values is through embodying and modeling them in your own interactions with people in your community. Let your words and actions show you care about equality and social justice. Another way this asset can be established is by treating your children as well as other children equally. There is often a tendency to gush over happy, cute and familiar children while acting more reserved around fussy, different or more ordinary looking children. It is important to be friendly and to treat all children the same. It is also important to treat children with respect. Ask for their opinions. Listen to their ideas. Respect and acknowledge their suggestions and respond to them when appropriate.
A great way to teach equality and social justice to children is by looking at photographs of children from different countries or different areas of the United States. While doing so you can ask questions like, “What’s different about where this child lives and where we live?” or “What’s do these children have in common with us?” Discuss how people live together in these different places; whether there is poverty or a class system there; does the other culture value youth, equality or justice; and what they think is good or bad about the perceived values there.
Some other interesting ways to explore and teach equality and justice is to talk about these topics directly. Discuss who the child thinks is treated more fairly, men or women; boys or girls; wealthy people or poor people; heavy people or thin people? Share your thoughts and opinions about these issues. Also, use news reports involving these types of issues. Read the article to your child and ask what they think about this issues and how they would suggest resolving it. Write a letter to the editor together.
Parents, you can also instill these types of values by creating opportunities to address solutions to issues of inequality in your community. For instance, if hunger is an issue, you can propose, like one family did for their daughter’s birthday party and with their daughter’s agreement, that instead of bringing gifts guests were asked to bring canned goods that would be donated to the local food bank. This was a hit!
As usual, these ideas are meant to stimulate some thought in the direction of investing in a valuable asset for you child’s life. If you would like more suggestions, please contact me.
The Positive Values Assets-Asset 26
The Positive Values Assets
Values are the important internal compasses that guide children to make decisions and set priorities. Children’s thoughts and actions are based on their values~even if these values aren’t fully developed. Parents and other adults can help children identify positive values and make them part of their lives. When children have positive values, they grow into caring adults with set high standards for themselves and the people around them.
In terms of family values that are assets in a child’s life, there are six primary categories: family values caring, family values equality and social justice, family values integrity, family values honesty, family values responsibility, and family values healthy lifestyle.
In today’s article I would like to address the first of these: family values caring. Ideally, all children grow up observing parents and other adults helping people. As children mature, they learn and are encouraged to be helpful to others, to care about others in this way. To be sure this is true for your child or children; here are some ways you can invest in this asset:
One of the most predictable ways children learn values is from their almost complete attunement to what you do or say in your interactions with them and with other people. Modeling is the most powerful teacher of values. This is why it is important that you treat others in caring and loving ways, especially when you are around children.
Also, children who feel that others care about their feelings are more likely to care about others themselves. So, be sensitive to children’s emotions and show them appropriate ways to express their feelings. For many adults this may mean developing your own affective or feeling vocabulary. There are literally thousands and thousands of word that express feeling or emotion, but these must be learned just like any other vocabulary of words.
When children misbehave, use discipline methods that last when a parent isn’t there to enforce the rules. Hitting and spanking hurt…and…they don’t teach positive values. Parents who are proficient at learning and applying logical consequences, redirecting, focusing on the positive or time-outs report that their children learn out of respect to behave in positive way and to use similar more caring ways when they are trying to direct behavior in others. Again, as a responsible parent, you can only invest in this asset in this way by making the effort to develop your own disciplinary skills.
Very important in the establishment of positive caring values is to pay attention to when you child is behaving caring ways towards others and make it a point to acknowledge this and give a pat on the back or a hug to say, “I love it when you treat others kindly!”
Other helpful ways to teach this asset are through the care of pets or even plants, taking children with you when volunteering in the community or encouraging your children to give time or a small part of their allowance to a charity or family in need.
As usual, these are only a few ideas for teaching the value of caring. If you have questions or would like more information about this asset, please call or email me and I would be happy to share more.
Values are the important internal compasses that guide children to make decisions and set priorities. Children’s thoughts and actions are based on their values~even if these values aren’t fully developed. Parents and other adults can help children identify positive values and make them part of their lives. When children have positive values, they grow into caring adults with set high standards for themselves and the people around them.
In terms of family values that are assets in a child’s life, there are six primary categories: family values caring, family values equality and social justice, family values integrity, family values honesty, family values responsibility, and family values healthy lifestyle.
In today’s article I would like to address the first of these: family values caring. Ideally, all children grow up observing parents and other adults helping people. As children mature, they learn and are encouraged to be helpful to others, to care about others in this way. To be sure this is true for your child or children; here are some ways you can invest in this asset:
One of the most predictable ways children learn values is from their almost complete attunement to what you do or say in your interactions with them and with other people. Modeling is the most powerful teacher of values. This is why it is important that you treat others in caring and loving ways, especially when you are around children.
Also, children who feel that others care about their feelings are more likely to care about others themselves. So, be sensitive to children’s emotions and show them appropriate ways to express their feelings. For many adults this may mean developing your own affective or feeling vocabulary. There are literally thousands and thousands of word that express feeling or emotion, but these must be learned just like any other vocabulary of words.
When children misbehave, use discipline methods that last when a parent isn’t there to enforce the rules. Hitting and spanking hurt…and…they don’t teach positive values. Parents who are proficient at learning and applying logical consequences, redirecting, focusing on the positive or time-outs report that their children learn out of respect to behave in positive way and to use similar more caring ways when they are trying to direct behavior in others. Again, as a responsible parent, you can only invest in this asset in this way by making the effort to develop your own disciplinary skills.
Very important in the establishment of positive caring values is to pay attention to when you child is behaving caring ways towards others and make it a point to acknowledge this and give a pat on the back or a hug to say, “I love it when you treat others kindly!”
Other helpful ways to teach this asset are through the care of pets or even plants, taking children with you when volunteering in the community or encouraging your children to give time or a small part of their allowance to a charity or family in need.
As usual, these are only a few ideas for teaching the value of caring. If you have questions or would like more information about this asset, please call or email me and I would be happy to share more.
Reading for Pleasure-Asset 25
Reading for Pleasure
To invest in this developmental asset, parents and other adults read to all children, make reading fun, and encourage participation. Preschool and elementary-age children read with adults at least 30 minutes each day and also enjoy reading on their own.
As is the case with many positive and important behaviors for children, observing and experiencing their parents and other significant adults being involved with the behavior is one of the most powerful ways to teach it. This is especially true with reading. If you as a parent spend time reading for pleasure and discussing the things you are reading about with a sense of enthusiasm and excitement, your child or children will be motivated to learn to read and the read for pleasure themselves. Read all kinds of books and magazines and the newspaper to model diversity of interests and sources of information.
Of course, reading to your child while they are still infants and only able to listen and enjoy the pictures, colors or shapes on the page of a book is the perfect way to start. They will become enchanted with the rhythm of your voice as you read verses and gradually, as they gain language skills themselves, will learn to recognize, expect and be comforted by the stories and outcomes of their favorite books.
An excellent resource for getting young children ready to read and to inspire older children to read is Reading Is Fundamental, Inc. (RIF), founded in 1966. RIF motivates children to read by working with them, their parents, and community members to make reading a fun and beneficial part of everyday life. RIF's highest priority is reaching underserved children from birth to age 8. Through community volunteers in every state and U.S. territory, RIF provided 4.4 million children with 15 million new, free books and literacy resources last year. Their website address is www.rif.org/
A few other tips for investing in this asset:
• When reading to infants and toddlers, snuggle with them as you read and look at the pictures. This helps make reading pleasurable while bonding and meeting their need for security. This will generalize to reading being a source of comfort and security later in their life. Also, buy children under 1 year of age books with thick pages to make learning to turn the pages easier.
• When sharing books with toddlers, look at the pictures and illustrations together before reading the words. Have the toddler talk about what they see to help them build language skills. Also, let them turn the pages and don’t worry about skipped pages. Just let them have fun with reading. Let them choose the books they want you to read.
• With elementary school aged children, keep reading to them and with them even if they have learned some basic reading skills. This helps to reinforce that you feel reading is important and it expands their vocabulary and skills. Also, find books about subjects your child likes and gets excited about.
If you have would like more information on this asset, call or email me. Remember: Reading is cool! Let your kids know.
To invest in this developmental asset, parents and other adults read to all children, make reading fun, and encourage participation. Preschool and elementary-age children read with adults at least 30 minutes each day and also enjoy reading on their own.
As is the case with many positive and important behaviors for children, observing and experiencing their parents and other significant adults being involved with the behavior is one of the most powerful ways to teach it. This is especially true with reading. If you as a parent spend time reading for pleasure and discussing the things you are reading about with a sense of enthusiasm and excitement, your child or children will be motivated to learn to read and the read for pleasure themselves. Read all kinds of books and magazines and the newspaper to model diversity of interests and sources of information.
Of course, reading to your child while they are still infants and only able to listen and enjoy the pictures, colors or shapes on the page of a book is the perfect way to start. They will become enchanted with the rhythm of your voice as you read verses and gradually, as they gain language skills themselves, will learn to recognize, expect and be comforted by the stories and outcomes of their favorite books.
An excellent resource for getting young children ready to read and to inspire older children to read is Reading Is Fundamental, Inc. (RIF), founded in 1966. RIF motivates children to read by working with them, their parents, and community members to make reading a fun and beneficial part of everyday life. RIF's highest priority is reaching underserved children from birth to age 8. Through community volunteers in every state and U.S. territory, RIF provided 4.4 million children with 15 million new, free books and literacy resources last year. Their website address is www.rif.org/
A few other tips for investing in this asset:
• When reading to infants and toddlers, snuggle with them as you read and look at the pictures. This helps make reading pleasurable while bonding and meeting their need for security. This will generalize to reading being a source of comfort and security later in their life. Also, buy children under 1 year of age books with thick pages to make learning to turn the pages easier.
• When sharing books with toddlers, look at the pictures and illustrations together before reading the words. Have the toddler talk about what they see to help them build language skills. Also, let them turn the pages and don’t worry about skipped pages. Just let them have fun with reading. Let them choose the books they want you to read.
• With elementary school aged children, keep reading to them and with them even if they have learned some basic reading skills. This helps to reinforce that you feel reading is important and it expands their vocabulary and skills. Also, find books about subjects your child likes and gets excited about.
If you have would like more information on this asset, call or email me. Remember: Reading is cool! Let your kids know.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Caring About Scholl, Feeling School Cares About You-Asset 24
Caring About School, Feeling School Cares About You
With the new school year about to begin, it’s the perfect time to talk about the importance of your child or teen feeling good about their school and their school giving them the message that they are cared for. To feel this way is an important developmental asset, one that contributes to your child feeling good about his or her self and about the community in which they live. When this asset is in place in your child’s life, good things happen-and bad things don’t. Research shows that when a student has this asset in their life, he or she is more likely to do well in school, more likely to grow up healthy, more likely to care about the community, less likely to get involves in high risk behaviors (drugs, alcohol, violence, sex), and less likely to drop out of school.
Parents, you play a big role in communicating this asset this asset to your child. You do this through your own attitudes about learning and about school in general and about your child’s school in particular.
Some of the things you can do, if you aren’t already, to ensure your child is reaping the benefits of this asset are to share your positive experiences while you were attending school and the benefits you gained from getting an education. You can get involved by getting to know your child’s teachers, showing up at conferences, volunteering to help in the classroom or for class outings, helping with school projects, and attending school activities. You can also express positive feelings about your local schools while at the same time supporting and saying good things about the teachers and their efforts to provide quality education to the children in their classrooms. You can think of ways to boost school spirit, like buying and wearing hats, t-shirts or sweatshirts bearing the school’s name or mascot’s picture.
You can also have discussions with your child about how they feel about their school and teacher. You can ask if your child feels cared for at school and then ask why or why not. You can discuss feelings about the teacher and how your child perceives him or her. It’s important in these discussions to let your child know you hear their feelings by reflecting back to them what you hear them saying and feeling. Try not to be overly reactive in a negative way if concerns are raised, but make notes to explore any concerns that arise with the teacher or the school. Think of what you are learning as feedback and feelings but not necessarily reason to be judgmental, negative or critical. Also, you can ask your young student about the things about their school that make them feel proud or happy to be there, or about things they or you could do to make school a better happier place.
If you would like more information about this asset or any of the 40 Developmental Assets, contact me at 406-442-1374 or wmichael@rmdc.net.
With the new school year about to begin, it’s the perfect time to talk about the importance of your child or teen feeling good about their school and their school giving them the message that they are cared for. To feel this way is an important developmental asset, one that contributes to your child feeling good about his or her self and about the community in which they live. When this asset is in place in your child’s life, good things happen-and bad things don’t. Research shows that when a student has this asset in their life, he or she is more likely to do well in school, more likely to grow up healthy, more likely to care about the community, less likely to get involves in high risk behaviors (drugs, alcohol, violence, sex), and less likely to drop out of school.
Parents, you play a big role in communicating this asset this asset to your child. You do this through your own attitudes about learning and about school in general and about your child’s school in particular.
Some of the things you can do, if you aren’t already, to ensure your child is reaping the benefits of this asset are to share your positive experiences while you were attending school and the benefits you gained from getting an education. You can get involved by getting to know your child’s teachers, showing up at conferences, volunteering to help in the classroom or for class outings, helping with school projects, and attending school activities. You can also express positive feelings about your local schools while at the same time supporting and saying good things about the teachers and their efforts to provide quality education to the children in their classrooms. You can think of ways to boost school spirit, like buying and wearing hats, t-shirts or sweatshirts bearing the school’s name or mascot’s picture.
You can also have discussions with your child about how they feel about their school and teacher. You can ask if your child feels cared for at school and then ask why or why not. You can discuss feelings about the teacher and how your child perceives him or her. It’s important in these discussions to let your child know you hear their feelings by reflecting back to them what you hear them saying and feeling. Try not to be overly reactive in a negative way if concerns are raised, but make notes to explore any concerns that arise with the teacher or the school. Think of what you are learning as feedback and feelings but not necessarily reason to be judgmental, negative or critical. Also, you can ask your young student about the things about their school that make them feel proud or happy to be there, or about things they or you could do to make school a better happier place.
If you would like more information about this asset or any of the 40 Developmental Assets, contact me at 406-442-1374 or wmichael@rmdc.net.
Stimulating Activity and Homework-Asset 23
Stimulating Activity and Homework
To invest in this developmental asset, parents, caregivers, teachers and other adults are mindful of a child’s individual needs as they provide opportunities for play, learning, and exploration. Age-appropriate children are stimulated to do homework when it’s assigned.
The emphasis with this asset is on variety and diversity of activities and experiences that appeal to all of a child’s senses. In addition, this asset focuses on how to assist your child with homework when they at the age that their learning experience call for it.
Keeping in mind that every child has five primary senses (seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and feeling (emotional and physical touch sensations), try to arrange and provide experiences that allow the child to gain an appreciation for all of their senses. Take a child to interesting places that allow them to interact using their senses. Many cities have museums that are specifically designed for the purpose of giving children hands-on experiences and displays that allow multisensory interactions and learning opportunities. If there is no children’s museum in your area, take your child to art museums, concerts, talent shows, sculpture gardens, aquariums, nature hikes, amusement parks, water parks, malls, county fairs, science exhibits and any other environment that they have not been to before that offers unique age-appropriate learning opportunities.
When engaged in the types of activities described above, always be available to answer questions but don’t get stuck only in the “answer person” role. Take it upon yourself to ask more questions to get your child thinking or guide them to resources and experiences that help them to learn more. Also, ask your child questions that get them to focus on all their senses. For instance, if hiking, ask you child to notice certain details of the environment. Have them describe the differences between two different types of pines trees. Have them touch pine cones or cattails. Have them smell flowers. Have them taste edible berries. Have them feel the wind or the sun on their face. Have them describe what they hear when you stop and just listen to the sounds in nature.
With regards to homework, take the time and make the effort to set up a special area for your child to do his or her homework. Make sure it is in a quite area of the house with a comfortable chair and desk or table and that it is well lit and has all the supplies they would need to do projects and complete assignments. Help them chart or plan long-term assignments. Teach them how to work slowly and complete small steps one at a time until the work is complete. Let them know that it’s a good thing to take short breaks when they feel weary or frustrated. Support and reward them for making homework a part of their evening routine with fun rewards or activities once their work is done. Show enthusiasm and model doing your own work, reading or projects in the evening. Be available to give help and advice when they requested. All this teaches them that you value them and their education.
Any questions? Call or email me any time.
To invest in this developmental asset, parents, caregivers, teachers and other adults are mindful of a child’s individual needs as they provide opportunities for play, learning, and exploration. Age-appropriate children are stimulated to do homework when it’s assigned.
The emphasis with this asset is on variety and diversity of activities and experiences that appeal to all of a child’s senses. In addition, this asset focuses on how to assist your child with homework when they at the age that their learning experience call for it.
Keeping in mind that every child has five primary senses (seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and feeling (emotional and physical touch sensations), try to arrange and provide experiences that allow the child to gain an appreciation for all of their senses. Take a child to interesting places that allow them to interact using their senses. Many cities have museums that are specifically designed for the purpose of giving children hands-on experiences and displays that allow multisensory interactions and learning opportunities. If there is no children’s museum in your area, take your child to art museums, concerts, talent shows, sculpture gardens, aquariums, nature hikes, amusement parks, water parks, malls, county fairs, science exhibits and any other environment that they have not been to before that offers unique age-appropriate learning opportunities.
When engaged in the types of activities described above, always be available to answer questions but don’t get stuck only in the “answer person” role. Take it upon yourself to ask more questions to get your child thinking or guide them to resources and experiences that help them to learn more. Also, ask your child questions that get them to focus on all their senses. For instance, if hiking, ask you child to notice certain details of the environment. Have them describe the differences between two different types of pines trees. Have them touch pine cones or cattails. Have them smell flowers. Have them taste edible berries. Have them feel the wind or the sun on their face. Have them describe what they hear when you stop and just listen to the sounds in nature.
With regards to homework, take the time and make the effort to set up a special area for your child to do his or her homework. Make sure it is in a quite area of the house with a comfortable chair and desk or table and that it is well lit and has all the supplies they would need to do projects and complete assignments. Help them chart or plan long-term assignments. Teach them how to work slowly and complete small steps one at a time until the work is complete. Let them know that it’s a good thing to take short breaks when they feel weary or frustrated. Support and reward them for making homework a part of their evening routine with fun rewards or activities once their work is done. Show enthusiasm and model doing your own work, reading or projects in the evening. Be available to give help and advice when they requested. All this teaches them that you value them and their education.
Any questions? Call or email me any time.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Engage Children in Learning-Asset 22
Engage Children in Learning
To invest in this developmental asset for a child, parents and other adults are responsive, attentive, and involved in learning new things, sparking children’s interest in learning. As children mature, they are engaged in and enjoy learning and mastery of skills and knowledge.
One of the proven ways for parents and other adults to enhance a child’s enthusiasm for learning is to be enthusiastically involved in learning themselves. This means developing your own interests so children see and model the enjoyment you are getting from learning new things. For example, if you always wanted to learn how to play a guitar, buy or rent a guitar and start taking lessons, learning from books, tapes, CDs or DVDs and get pointers from others who play the guitar. Let your children see you practicing and playing the guitar and express your joys as well as challenges as you persist in mastering some songs that you can play for them.
Another way to stimulate a child’s enthusiasm for learning is to introduce them to adults who have different types of job, hobbies, traditions and beliefs. Make a point to look for such individuals in your circle of friends or co-workers and make arrangements to spend time with these interesting people. Have these folks talk to your child about what they do and what they enjoy about the activities in which they are involved. If possible, give your child the opportunity to have hands-on experience with the activity.
Don’t expect all your child’s learning to happen at school. It is always important to pay close attention to your child’s natural inclinations and interests and then to support them in exploring these interests. Look for and create opportunities for your child to become more deeply involved in the things they are naturally motivated to learn about. Keep stretching their minds with stories, games, outings and discussions whenever you are together. For example, if your child shows fascination with outer space, check out books from the library on the subject, do searches with them on the Internet for more information or visit an air and space museum together. Help your child write a letter to an astronaut or enroll them in Space Camp. Make it your own study to learn more about the activity or subject your child is interested in so you can become an additional resource for their learning process.
When ever possible discuss your child’s feelings and help them learn feeling words by listening to how they feel and reflecting back to them the appropriate words to describe their feelings. Also, when ever possible engage your child’s imagination. If they show an interest in music, for instance, ask them to imagine how their favorite musical performer spent their time when they were young and wanting to learn more about music.
If you would like more information on this asset or have questions, please call or email me. Remember, never stop learning. This is teaching your child a great lesson.
To invest in this developmental asset for a child, parents and other adults are responsive, attentive, and involved in learning new things, sparking children’s interest in learning. As children mature, they are engaged in and enjoy learning and mastery of skills and knowledge.
One of the proven ways for parents and other adults to enhance a child’s enthusiasm for learning is to be enthusiastically involved in learning themselves. This means developing your own interests so children see and model the enjoyment you are getting from learning new things. For example, if you always wanted to learn how to play a guitar, buy or rent a guitar and start taking lessons, learning from books, tapes, CDs or DVDs and get pointers from others who play the guitar. Let your children see you practicing and playing the guitar and express your joys as well as challenges as you persist in mastering some songs that you can play for them.
Another way to stimulate a child’s enthusiasm for learning is to introduce them to adults who have different types of job, hobbies, traditions and beliefs. Make a point to look for such individuals in your circle of friends or co-workers and make arrangements to spend time with these interesting people. Have these folks talk to your child about what they do and what they enjoy about the activities in which they are involved. If possible, give your child the opportunity to have hands-on experience with the activity.
Don’t expect all your child’s learning to happen at school. It is always important to pay close attention to your child’s natural inclinations and interests and then to support them in exploring these interests. Look for and create opportunities for your child to become more deeply involved in the things they are naturally motivated to learn about. Keep stretching their minds with stories, games, outings and discussions whenever you are together. For example, if your child shows fascination with outer space, check out books from the library on the subject, do searches with them on the Internet for more information or visit an air and space museum together. Help your child write a letter to an astronaut or enroll them in Space Camp. Make it your own study to learn more about the activity or subject your child is interested in so you can become an additional resource for their learning process.
When ever possible discuss your child’s feelings and help them learn feeling words by listening to how they feel and reflecting back to them the appropriate words to describe their feelings. Also, when ever possible engage your child’s imagination. If they show an interest in music, for instance, ask them to imagine how their favorite musical performer spent their time when they were young and wanting to learn more about music.
If you would like more information on this asset or have questions, please call or email me. Remember, never stop learning. This is teaching your child a great lesson.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Achievement Motivation-Asset 21
Achievement Motivation: The Desire to Do Well in School and In Life
Isn’t this something every parent wants for and from their children: The desire to do well in school and be able to achieve what it is that is expected of them and what they expect from themselves? I think most parents are answering yes to my question. Some parents reading this may have children that thrive on learning and achieving already. That is wonderful. However, some of you may be wondering how to go about building this asset into the lives of your child or children.
There are many things you can do to build this asset into your child’s life and the sooner you begin the better. One of the first and most important things you can do is to model your desire and expectations to do well at all the things you do in life, whether it is cooking, working, completing a project or doing things for your child. Also, do all you can to have your child spend time with other adults or older children who want to succeed at what they do.
It also contribute to this asset to let your child play with toys they like, so they learn to have fun and do things to please themselves, not only to please others. Why is this important? It’s important because it allows your child to develop a sense of motivation from within, which we know lasts longer than motivation driven by outside sources. We are all born with an instinct for “active mastery” of our environment, and allowing children to engage in activities that please them helps to preserve rather than discourage this need to learn and master challenges on their own.
Something else we can do to build this asset is to teach our children to break complex tasks down into small, manageable steps so they can experience success more often and more consistently. A big task can be overwhelming and discourage active mastery. In addition, we can help our child learn more about things they have a natural interest in. This is often called “feeding” their interests or supporting their natural motivations to learn.
We are also learning that it is best to use rewards and incentives sparingly with young children, particularly if we are supporting natural interests and inner motives for learning. Using rewards too much can make it hard for the child to be motivated from within when they get older. When children are young, your pleasure in their accomplishments is a great motivator. When they are older they will be more likely to be proud of themselves when they accomplish things.
If you would like more information about this asset or any of the 40 Developmental Assets, contact me at 406-442-1374 or wmichael@rmdc.net.
Isn’t this something every parent wants for and from their children: The desire to do well in school and be able to achieve what it is that is expected of them and what they expect from themselves? I think most parents are answering yes to my question. Some parents reading this may have children that thrive on learning and achieving already. That is wonderful. However, some of you may be wondering how to go about building this asset into the lives of your child or children.
There are many things you can do to build this asset into your child’s life and the sooner you begin the better. One of the first and most important things you can do is to model your desire and expectations to do well at all the things you do in life, whether it is cooking, working, completing a project or doing things for your child. Also, do all you can to have your child spend time with other adults or older children who want to succeed at what they do.
It also contribute to this asset to let your child play with toys they like, so they learn to have fun and do things to please themselves, not only to please others. Why is this important? It’s important because it allows your child to develop a sense of motivation from within, which we know lasts longer than motivation driven by outside sources. We are all born with an instinct for “active mastery” of our environment, and allowing children to engage in activities that please them helps to preserve rather than discourage this need to learn and master challenges on their own.
Something else we can do to build this asset is to teach our children to break complex tasks down into small, manageable steps so they can experience success more often and more consistently. A big task can be overwhelming and discourage active mastery. In addition, we can help our child learn more about things they have a natural interest in. This is often called “feeding” their interests or supporting their natural motivations to learn.
We are also learning that it is best to use rewards and incentives sparingly with young children, particularly if we are supporting natural interests and inner motives for learning. Using rewards too much can make it hard for the child to be motivated from within when they get older. When children are young, your pleasure in their accomplishments is a great motivator. When they are older they will be more likely to be proud of themselves when they accomplish things.
If you would like more information about this asset or any of the 40 Developmental Assets, contact me at 406-442-1374 or wmichael@rmdc.net.
Positive, Supervised Time at Home-Asset 20
Positive, Supervised Time at Home
Parents investing in this developmental asset for their children make sure they supervise and interact with them. Parents and their children spend most evenings and weekends together at home in predictable, enjoyable routines.
One of the best gifts you can give to a child is your undivided attention. Being fully present with a child is something they need, want and notice. Parents and adults need to work on being fully present as often as they can so the child feels a sense of worth, value and love from those around them.
Another gift you can give a child is some sense of regularity and predictability in their lives. Children thrive on a regular schedule. This allows them the luxury of knowing what to expect so they can focus their energy on learning and growing. One of the reasons children enjoy reading or having the same story told or read to them each night is the comfort they get from know exactly what to expect as an outcome.
Plan family adventures. Use your imagination when planning outings to keep them interesting. Take walks in new territories. Walk in the rain and point out to each other how this changes the experience from a walk on a dry day or a sunny day. Visit nearby lakes and look for skipping stones, frogs, swimming spots, etc. Explore your neighborhood and point out different colors and shapes.
Make sure adults in the family spend plenty of time at home with the children. It can be hard on children if they spend too much time home without their parents or too much time away from home.
Sing together. Parents and adults can teach children their favorite songs from their childhood experiences or look up lyrics to favorite songs and use them to create a sing along. Record your favorite songs and play them in the car or van and sing along on trips that can get boring.
Be aware of your child’s time in front of a screen (TV, computer, video games, cell phones) and limit it to reasonable doses. Many parents make “screen time” a reward for getting homework or chores completed. Avoid the tendency to let “screen time” be a child’s caretaker. In this regard, one of the most important things you can do is to be a positive role model. When you are home, start conversations with your children, invite them to play board games, suggest creative activities, suggest outings and generally make the point that real experiences are fun and exciting and are the thing to do when you have the opportunity to be together.
Enjoy the people in your life. Your family is top priority when they are available. Keep this in mind and in your heart. Any questions, call or email me.
Parents investing in this developmental asset for their children make sure they supervise and interact with them. Parents and their children spend most evenings and weekends together at home in predictable, enjoyable routines.
One of the best gifts you can give to a child is your undivided attention. Being fully present with a child is something they need, want and notice. Parents and adults need to work on being fully present as often as they can so the child feels a sense of worth, value and love from those around them.
Another gift you can give a child is some sense of regularity and predictability in their lives. Children thrive on a regular schedule. This allows them the luxury of knowing what to expect so they can focus their energy on learning and growing. One of the reasons children enjoy reading or having the same story told or read to them each night is the comfort they get from know exactly what to expect as an outcome.
Plan family adventures. Use your imagination when planning outings to keep them interesting. Take walks in new territories. Walk in the rain and point out to each other how this changes the experience from a walk on a dry day or a sunny day. Visit nearby lakes and look for skipping stones, frogs, swimming spots, etc. Explore your neighborhood and point out different colors and shapes.
Make sure adults in the family spend plenty of time at home with the children. It can be hard on children if they spend too much time home without their parents or too much time away from home.
Sing together. Parents and adults can teach children their favorite songs from their childhood experiences or look up lyrics to favorite songs and use them to create a sing along. Record your favorite songs and play them in the car or van and sing along on trips that can get boring.
Be aware of your child’s time in front of a screen (TV, computer, video games, cell phones) and limit it to reasonable doses. Many parents make “screen time” a reward for getting homework or chores completed. Avoid the tendency to let “screen time” be a child’s caretaker. In this regard, one of the most important things you can do is to be a positive role model. When you are home, start conversations with your children, invite them to play board games, suggest creative activities, suggest outings and generally make the point that real experiences are fun and exciting and are the thing to do when you have the opportunity to be together.
Enjoy the people in your life. Your family is top priority when they are available. Keep this in mind and in your heart. Any questions, call or email me.
Being Part of a Religious Community Benefits Everyone-Asset 19
Being Part of a Religious Community Benefits Everyone
Last week I outlined nine reasons why being part of a religious community benefits your child, you and the entire community. Today I want to discuss ways a parent can contribute more to the development of this important asset to your child’s development. Again, I know that, because Lincoln is a strong faith community, many of you already are doing a lot of the things I am about to mention, but hopefully you will be inspired to keep doing what you’re already doing and you may learn some other things that you haven’t considered before.
The first thing I want to suggest is to make it a point to talk to and interact with your child about your faith traditions, teachings and beliefs. Tell them stories about your experiences growing up in your religious community. Talk to them about aspects of your faith that young children would enjoy, like holiday celebrations, songs, special foods, reasons for certain decorations or objects used in celebration, such as candles or pictures. Ask them questions and always respond to and support your child’s questions about your religion. Try to answer all questions in a simple and understandable way. If you don’t have a good answer to a question, let your child know that their question is a very good question and one that you will have to think about for a time and maybe even ask some questions of your own from your minister or elders in the church you attend. Its okay to let you child see that you too are still learning and that is okay.
Another thing you can do is to support your child in building relationships with other children and families within your religious community. Make it a point to let your child know it perfectly fine with you if they want to invite a friend from your congregation over for dinner or playtime. Also, be willing to allow your child to accept invitations to do the same with their friends from the congregation. (Of course, this is assuming you know that family and feel comfortable with them).
Enrolling your child in your church’s religious education classes will not only help them to learn about faith traditions and values, but it will also allow them to meet and get to know other children. Children who have friend within faith community learn great social skills and also are more motivated to participate in services and programs.
If your family is new to a faith community, take the time to introduce your child to the minister and his or her family. Arrange for a tour of the church’s facilities and an orientation to what your child can expect from being involved with the church. Of course, your own involvement and participation in the faith community will always be one of the strongest incentives and messages to your child’s involvement.
What your child learns in a safe, caring and loving faith community will be carried with them as they venture out into life and eventually move on to adulthood. Please invest in this asset.
Last week I outlined nine reasons why being part of a religious community benefits your child, you and the entire community. Today I want to discuss ways a parent can contribute more to the development of this important asset to your child’s development. Again, I know that, because Lincoln is a strong faith community, many of you already are doing a lot of the things I am about to mention, but hopefully you will be inspired to keep doing what you’re already doing and you may learn some other things that you haven’t considered before.
The first thing I want to suggest is to make it a point to talk to and interact with your child about your faith traditions, teachings and beliefs. Tell them stories about your experiences growing up in your religious community. Talk to them about aspects of your faith that young children would enjoy, like holiday celebrations, songs, special foods, reasons for certain decorations or objects used in celebration, such as candles or pictures. Ask them questions and always respond to and support your child’s questions about your religion. Try to answer all questions in a simple and understandable way. If you don’t have a good answer to a question, let your child know that their question is a very good question and one that you will have to think about for a time and maybe even ask some questions of your own from your minister or elders in the church you attend. Its okay to let you child see that you too are still learning and that is okay.
Another thing you can do is to support your child in building relationships with other children and families within your religious community. Make it a point to let your child know it perfectly fine with you if they want to invite a friend from your congregation over for dinner or playtime. Also, be willing to allow your child to accept invitations to do the same with their friends from the congregation. (Of course, this is assuming you know that family and feel comfortable with them).
Enrolling your child in your church’s religious education classes will not only help them to learn about faith traditions and values, but it will also allow them to meet and get to know other children. Children who have friend within faith community learn great social skills and also are more motivated to participate in services and programs.
If your family is new to a faith community, take the time to introduce your child to the minister and his or her family. Arrange for a tour of the church’s facilities and an orientation to what your child can expect from being involved with the church. Of course, your own involvement and participation in the faith community will always be one of the strongest incentives and messages to your child’s involvement.
What your child learns in a safe, caring and loving faith community will be carried with them as they venture out into life and eventually move on to adulthood. Please invest in this asset.
Out of Home Activities-Asset 18
Out of the Home Activities
To invest in this asset for a child, parents make sure the child is exposed to stimulating activities with the child’s needs in mind. Activities that are fun for the child are essential. Examples of these types of activity are sports, clubs, scouts, tours and other types of outings where the emphasis is on enjoying the activity and not on pushing the child for expected outcomes. Programs that push children to excel are often not fun and can, in some cases, actually be harmful.
For starters (excuse the pun) many communities have Head Start and Early Head Start programs. The mission of each of these organizations is to support the healthy development of infants, toddlers and preschoolers by providing services for education, socio-emotional development, physical and mental health, and nutrition for children of low-income families. The cornerstone of these programs is parent and community involvement, which is a huge part of the 40 Developmental Assets philosophy. To local the nearest Head Start of Early Head Start program, visit the website of the Early Head Start National Resources Center: www.ehsnrc.org/. You will also find a link there for Head Start’s national home page.
Next, you look into the availability of a Boys and Girls Club of America. These organizations offer fun and educational activities of kids of all ages. Their mission is to help children realize their full potential as productive, responsible, and caring people. Call their national office at 404-815-5700 or check their website for a club in your area: www.boysandgirlsclub.org/
One sure activity for almost all children is to introduce them to animals. Take them to farms, zoos, on nature walks and to visit neighbors or family members who have pets. Teach children to approach pets cautiously and to ask the owner for permission to touch or play with the pet. Of course, having your own pets in always an option.
If children’s sports leagues are focusing too heavily on competition, start some “fun” teams for kids. With fun as the intention, you make sure that kids on all teams have fun by learning sportsmanship and cooperation. Thanks coaches who praise and support every child on their team and every the players on other teams. There is also the option of creating cooperative sports. For instance, volleyball can be made noncompetitive if the intention of the game is see how long the two teams can cooperatively keep the ball in the air. This way the activity is still physically stimulating and skills are built but there is no winner or loser in the end. In essence, the teams compete only with their last best efforts.
Another idea is to enroll children in activities that teach them skills while giving them interesting, well-rounded experiences. Scouting, for instance, is an excellent example of this type of activity.
Finally, pay attention to your child’s schedules. There should be more to their life than organized activities. Children also need free play times, family time, quiet time and homework time.
Need more ideas, call or email me. Remember to enjoy your child and let them enjoy themselves.
To invest in this asset for a child, parents make sure the child is exposed to stimulating activities with the child’s needs in mind. Activities that are fun for the child are essential. Examples of these types of activity are sports, clubs, scouts, tours and other types of outings where the emphasis is on enjoying the activity and not on pushing the child for expected outcomes. Programs that push children to excel are often not fun and can, in some cases, actually be harmful.
For starters (excuse the pun) many communities have Head Start and Early Head Start programs. The mission of each of these organizations is to support the healthy development of infants, toddlers and preschoolers by providing services for education, socio-emotional development, physical and mental health, and nutrition for children of low-income families. The cornerstone of these programs is parent and community involvement, which is a huge part of the 40 Developmental Assets philosophy. To local the nearest Head Start of Early Head Start program, visit the website of the Early Head Start National Resources Center: www.ehsnrc.org/. You will also find a link there for Head Start’s national home page.
Next, you look into the availability of a Boys and Girls Club of America. These organizations offer fun and educational activities of kids of all ages. Their mission is to help children realize their full potential as productive, responsible, and caring people. Call their national office at 404-815-5700 or check their website for a club in your area: www.boysandgirlsclub.org/
One sure activity for almost all children is to introduce them to animals. Take them to farms, zoos, on nature walks and to visit neighbors or family members who have pets. Teach children to approach pets cautiously and to ask the owner for permission to touch or play with the pet. Of course, having your own pets in always an option.
If children’s sports leagues are focusing too heavily on competition, start some “fun” teams for kids. With fun as the intention, you make sure that kids on all teams have fun by learning sportsmanship and cooperation. Thanks coaches who praise and support every child on their team and every the players on other teams. There is also the option of creating cooperative sports. For instance, volleyball can be made noncompetitive if the intention of the game is see how long the two teams can cooperatively keep the ball in the air. This way the activity is still physically stimulating and skills are built but there is no winner or loser in the end. In essence, the teams compete only with their last best efforts.
Another idea is to enroll children in activities that teach them skills while giving them interesting, well-rounded experiences. Scouting, for instance, is an excellent example of this type of activity.
Finally, pay attention to your child’s schedules. There should be more to their life than organized activities. Children also need free play times, family time, quiet time and homework time.
Need more ideas, call or email me. Remember to enjoy your child and let them enjoy themselves.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Creative Activities-Constructive Use of Time-Asset 17
Creative Activities
The first of the “Constructive Use of Time” assets, creative activities are fostered when parents invest their energy into making sure their children are exposed to music, art, dance and other activities that are creative in nature. As they mature, these children begin to participate in and appreciate these creative activities on their own.
Sound is one experience a child starts to have while still in the womb, therefore playing pleasant and soothing music and singing to your child while pregnant is a great idea. This same music and songs will be particularly important once your baby is born since it will be familiar and soothing for them to experience following their first major life transition. If a child’s environment is rich in a variety of types of music from birth to adulthood, they will naturally learn an appreciation for it and may even be inspired to make music themselves.
Similarly, and a somewhat natural extension from an appreciation for music, comes an appreciation for movement and dance. Dance to the music you play while pregnant. And at every opportunity thereafter, dance with your child and teach them the joys of experiencing their bodies through movement. Children at a very early age, even before they can walk, start to respond physically to the beat of music. Create lots of opportunities for this wonderful experience. Once your child is old enough, support their interest in dance and natural expression through movement. If they show an interest in formal training in the dance style of their choice, do everything you can to support and encourage that interest. Other types of movement-based arts your child may feel attracted to are the martial arts and/or movement meditation forms such as tai chi or chi gong. Your support for these interests would also be important and empowering.
Showing support for a child’s creative efforts, regardless of what they are, is extremely important and most parents do this quite naturally and proudly. This shows up in most household as refrigerators and walls covered with a child’s art, regardless if it’s the scribbling of a toddler or the oil painting for a senior high student. This can be taken a step further if parents support their child’s creations being displayed at school or at the local library. Some parents go so far as to enlist the support of local businesses in sponsoring a child’s art exhibit in their buildings.
Parents and adults, who involve themselves in creative activities and include children whenever possible, greatly contribute to the appreciation of creativity in general. Keeping a variety of art supplies around or creating ongoing projects which children can be part of also departs an important message and community norm that says creative activities are valued as an important part of daily life.
Coming up with other ways to empower children in your life with creative activities is a creative activity in and of itself and a great way to contribute this valuable asset to your community. If you have questions or would like more on this subject, please email me or call me.
The first of the “Constructive Use of Time” assets, creative activities are fostered when parents invest their energy into making sure their children are exposed to music, art, dance and other activities that are creative in nature. As they mature, these children begin to participate in and appreciate these creative activities on their own.
Sound is one experience a child starts to have while still in the womb, therefore playing pleasant and soothing music and singing to your child while pregnant is a great idea. This same music and songs will be particularly important once your baby is born since it will be familiar and soothing for them to experience following their first major life transition. If a child’s environment is rich in a variety of types of music from birth to adulthood, they will naturally learn an appreciation for it and may even be inspired to make music themselves.
Similarly, and a somewhat natural extension from an appreciation for music, comes an appreciation for movement and dance. Dance to the music you play while pregnant. And at every opportunity thereafter, dance with your child and teach them the joys of experiencing their bodies through movement. Children at a very early age, even before they can walk, start to respond physically to the beat of music. Create lots of opportunities for this wonderful experience. Once your child is old enough, support their interest in dance and natural expression through movement. If they show an interest in formal training in the dance style of their choice, do everything you can to support and encourage that interest. Other types of movement-based arts your child may feel attracted to are the martial arts and/or movement meditation forms such as tai chi or chi gong. Your support for these interests would also be important and empowering.
Showing support for a child’s creative efforts, regardless of what they are, is extremely important and most parents do this quite naturally and proudly. This shows up in most household as refrigerators and walls covered with a child’s art, regardless if it’s the scribbling of a toddler or the oil painting for a senior high student. This can be taken a step further if parents support their child’s creations being displayed at school or at the local library. Some parents go so far as to enlist the support of local businesses in sponsoring a child’s art exhibit in their buildings.
Parents and adults, who involve themselves in creative activities and include children whenever possible, greatly contribute to the appreciation of creativity in general. Keeping a variety of art supplies around or creating ongoing projects which children can be part of also departs an important message and community norm that says creative activities are valued as an important part of daily life.
Coming up with other ways to empower children in your life with creative activities is a creative activity in and of itself and a great way to contribute this valuable asset to your community. If you have questions or would like more on this subject, please email me or call me.
Appropriate Expectations for Growth-Asset 16
Appropriate Expectations for Personal Growth
Parents and other adults would want to invest in this developmental asset for children have realistic expectations for the growth and development of the child and don’t push beyond the child’s own pace. Adults support and encourage children to do their best and to develop their gifts and talents.
To a large extent, this asset is gained by parents and other close adults learning and understanding developmental stages and milestones that have been determined by psychologist and early childhood development specialists. It is important, whether or not you know about normal developmental stages, to allow children to develop at their own pace. Individual differences are great in the early years of life. Be patient and let children do things when they’re ready. Talk to the experts (your pediatrician, an elementary or early childhood teacher) if you feel your child is developing at a different rate than other children with whom you are familiar.
Remind yourself that a child is a whole person, with strengths and weaknesses. Don’t label a child based on perceived weaknesses or limitations. For instance, if your child doesn’t start to talk when you expect him or her to do so, don’t label them “slow.” If your child stutters, never call them a stutterer. On the other hand, do consult with a specialist or your pediatrician for advice on who to go to and how to handle the situation.
Always pay attention to what children like and/or express interest in. Following and supporting these interests helps them grow in the directions that they are inclined towards by their very nature. Give them plenty of opportunities to experience and explore new and different things.
Parents should also be aware that routines and daily rituals help children to feel safe, protected and free to explore. Children who aren’t worried about when they’ll eat or sleep can concentrate on learning new skills and activities. Also, mastering a new skill can take time, so be patient and understand that setbacks do happen and are part of the normal process of mastering any skill. Use setbacks as opportunities to teach the child that there are lessons to be learned by these experiences that can aid them in the eventual mastery of the skill. Teach them that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback and outcomes that will aid their next attempts. These times can also be valuable opportunities to ask the child to compare where they are today in the growth process as compared to where they were when they first started to learn the skill they are working on.
Also, as is almost always the case, children can learn about setting appropriate expectations for growth by you modeling this behavior yourself. Let your child know about a goal or dream you are striving for and then let them in on your experiences in achieving the goal.
Any questions? Feel free to let me know via email or phone. Remember aiming high is the best way to get where you want to be!
Parents and other adults would want to invest in this developmental asset for children have realistic expectations for the growth and development of the child and don’t push beyond the child’s own pace. Adults support and encourage children to do their best and to develop their gifts and talents.
To a large extent, this asset is gained by parents and other close adults learning and understanding developmental stages and milestones that have been determined by psychologist and early childhood development specialists. It is important, whether or not you know about normal developmental stages, to allow children to develop at their own pace. Individual differences are great in the early years of life. Be patient and let children do things when they’re ready. Talk to the experts (your pediatrician, an elementary or early childhood teacher) if you feel your child is developing at a different rate than other children with whom you are familiar.
Remind yourself that a child is a whole person, with strengths and weaknesses. Don’t label a child based on perceived weaknesses or limitations. For instance, if your child doesn’t start to talk when you expect him or her to do so, don’t label them “slow.” If your child stutters, never call them a stutterer. On the other hand, do consult with a specialist or your pediatrician for advice on who to go to and how to handle the situation.
Always pay attention to what children like and/or express interest in. Following and supporting these interests helps them grow in the directions that they are inclined towards by their very nature. Give them plenty of opportunities to experience and explore new and different things.
Parents should also be aware that routines and daily rituals help children to feel safe, protected and free to explore. Children who aren’t worried about when they’ll eat or sleep can concentrate on learning new skills and activities. Also, mastering a new skill can take time, so be patient and understand that setbacks do happen and are part of the normal process of mastering any skill. Use setbacks as opportunities to teach the child that there are lessons to be learned by these experiences that can aid them in the eventual mastery of the skill. Teach them that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback and outcomes that will aid their next attempts. These times can also be valuable opportunities to ask the child to compare where they are today in the growth process as compared to where they were when they first started to learn the skill they are working on.
Also, as is almost always the case, children can learn about setting appropriate expectations for growth by you modeling this behavior yourself. Let your child know about a goal or dream you are striving for and then let them in on your experiences in achieving the goal.
Any questions? Feel free to let me know via email or phone. Remember aiming high is the best way to get where you want to be!
Positive Peer Interaction and Influence-Asset 15
Positive Peer Interaction and Influence
This developmental asset is available when children spent time observing and playing with children of varying ages. As children grow, they spend time with friends who act in responsible ways and are a positive influence on them.
Parents and adults who invest in this asset for the children in their lives pay attention to how the people in the child’s life interact and behave. They are conscious of what children are exposed to in terms of the choices, behaviors and attitudes of the people in their environment, both adults and other children. These parents, in a sense, are asking themselves, “What are the children learning from interacting with these people?”
Parents also take a proactive approach to finding ways for children of all ages to be together and have fun. They do what they can to facilitate interactions like a teenager holding and rocking a baby, or an older child might be given the opportunity to play a game with or read to younger children.
With infants, it is important that they are allowed to be around other infants even though they are not able to play together. Toddlers often want to play alone, even when they are around other children. Parents should allow them to do so but to also be near other toddlers so the process of learning to interact can take place under the watchful eyes of adult caretakers who can teach and correct behavior in a gently manner.
With preschool children, it is very helpful for adults to find playtime projects and activities that teach them how to cooperate. When differences arise, adults can step in and use that situation as an opportunity to teach appropriate behaviors. Parents are cautioned not to panic if their preschooler says things like, “I hate you” or “You’re not my friend anymore” to a playmate. It is part of the child learning to express their feelings and the fact is they often make up quickly and easily from such episodes.
With children of elementary-age and older, parents should give them greater and greater independence around interacting with peers but check on them enough to make sure they are safe. If children argue or disagree with one another, give them time and space to find their own solutions. Step in and help only if you are concerned with the children’s safety. Talk to children after they play with friends, talk to them and ask how they liked their time together, what they liked best, what they didn’t like. Use this as an opportunity to discuss and teach them about friendship and ways to communicate. Find out what they are learning and experiencing in terms of the rules and values their peers seem to hold and believe in. Talk to them about problems and how to deal with them, particularly about problems like bullying and peers that want to engage in risky or inappropriate behaviors. Be sure to let them know that you support their relationships with other children that show respect and value for them as people.
If you have any questions or would like more information about this or any of the assets covered in this column, please call or email me. Remember, accentuate the positive!
This developmental asset is available when children spent time observing and playing with children of varying ages. As children grow, they spend time with friends who act in responsible ways and are a positive influence on them.
Parents and adults who invest in this asset for the children in their lives pay attention to how the people in the child’s life interact and behave. They are conscious of what children are exposed to in terms of the choices, behaviors and attitudes of the people in their environment, both adults and other children. These parents, in a sense, are asking themselves, “What are the children learning from interacting with these people?”
Parents also take a proactive approach to finding ways for children of all ages to be together and have fun. They do what they can to facilitate interactions like a teenager holding and rocking a baby, or an older child might be given the opportunity to play a game with or read to younger children.
With infants, it is important that they are allowed to be around other infants even though they are not able to play together. Toddlers often want to play alone, even when they are around other children. Parents should allow them to do so but to also be near other toddlers so the process of learning to interact can take place under the watchful eyes of adult caretakers who can teach and correct behavior in a gently manner.
With preschool children, it is very helpful for adults to find playtime projects and activities that teach them how to cooperate. When differences arise, adults can step in and use that situation as an opportunity to teach appropriate behaviors. Parents are cautioned not to panic if their preschooler says things like, “I hate you” or “You’re not my friend anymore” to a playmate. It is part of the child learning to express their feelings and the fact is they often make up quickly and easily from such episodes.
With children of elementary-age and older, parents should give them greater and greater independence around interacting with peers but check on them enough to make sure they are safe. If children argue or disagree with one another, give them time and space to find their own solutions. Step in and help only if you are concerned with the children’s safety. Talk to children after they play with friends, talk to them and ask how they liked their time together, what they liked best, what they didn’t like. Use this as an opportunity to discuss and teach them about friendship and ways to communicate. Find out what they are learning and experiencing in terms of the rules and values their peers seem to hold and believe in. Talk to them about problems and how to deal with them, particularly about problems like bullying and peers that want to engage in risky or inappropriate behaviors. Be sure to let them know that you support their relationships with other children that show respect and value for them as people.
If you have any questions or would like more information about this or any of the assets covered in this column, please call or email me. Remember, accentuate the positive!
Adult Role Models-Asset 14
Adult Role Models
Children learn how to act and interact with others by watching, imitating and modeling their parents, caregivers and other adults. Adults need to be conscious that they are setting examples for children and make sure they are setting a good example. Modeling is much more powerful in determining the behavior of children than attempts to teach using words.
Parents who are positive role models lead positive lives and have positive outlooks. Such parents have a sense of purpose and are able to make personal goals and dreams become reality. Parents who don’t feel they meet this description in their approach to life need to begin to work towards developing their own self-esteem and the skills needed to set realistic goals and then achieve them. Parents who model a sense of purpose are also investing one of the developmental assets for their children, namely “Sense of Purpose in Children,” which we covered in this column some time ago. If you email me, I will send you a copy of that article.
Nurture the relationships children already have with extended family members, teachers, ministers, friends and neighbors who are solid and positive role models. Let these people know how much you value them and appreciate the role modeling they do.
Also, support your child’s interests in positive role models from the world of sports, music, movies or television. Talk to your children about what you like about these people and how they live their lives. If you are watching a movie or television show, talk to your children about the characters you see. Point out positive behaviors and choices on the part of the characters in the show. Also ask questions like, “Do you think that person did the right thing? What would you choose to do if you were in that situation?” Have conversations like this frequently.
If your child wants to dress like a person they look up to, support this interest since it is a sign that they are forming a positive identity based on the positive people they admire. Talk to your child about positive role models you had as a child and what you liked about them. As your child about traits they like in other people. Remind them that if they admire something about someone it is an indication that they too have potential to develop and be like that person. Do what you can to give your child access to diversity when it comes to role models. Create opportunities for them to interact with young, old, rich, poor, single, married, silly or serious people.
Encourage your child to make bulletin boards, posters or scrapbooks about their favorite heroes. Together, visit the library and read about and research the lives of admired people in history and society. Engage in discussions about what you learn.
Even though children may display interest in movie, sports or music stars, it’s important for you to know that the real and important role models in their lives are you and the people around them. Help your child meet adults who are great and decent people who act like role models worth following!
If you any questions or want to offer any feedback or opinions, please call or email me.
Children learn how to act and interact with others by watching, imitating and modeling their parents, caregivers and other adults. Adults need to be conscious that they are setting examples for children and make sure they are setting a good example. Modeling is much more powerful in determining the behavior of children than attempts to teach using words.
Parents who are positive role models lead positive lives and have positive outlooks. Such parents have a sense of purpose and are able to make personal goals and dreams become reality. Parents who don’t feel they meet this description in their approach to life need to begin to work towards developing their own self-esteem and the skills needed to set realistic goals and then achieve them. Parents who model a sense of purpose are also investing one of the developmental assets for their children, namely “Sense of Purpose in Children,” which we covered in this column some time ago. If you email me, I will send you a copy of that article.
Nurture the relationships children already have with extended family members, teachers, ministers, friends and neighbors who are solid and positive role models. Let these people know how much you value them and appreciate the role modeling they do.
Also, support your child’s interests in positive role models from the world of sports, music, movies or television. Talk to your children about what you like about these people and how they live their lives. If you are watching a movie or television show, talk to your children about the characters you see. Point out positive behaviors and choices on the part of the characters in the show. Also ask questions like, “Do you think that person did the right thing? What would you choose to do if you were in that situation?” Have conversations like this frequently.
If your child wants to dress like a person they look up to, support this interest since it is a sign that they are forming a positive identity based on the positive people they admire. Talk to your child about positive role models you had as a child and what you liked about them. As your child about traits they like in other people. Remind them that if they admire something about someone it is an indication that they too have potential to develop and be like that person. Do what you can to give your child access to diversity when it comes to role models. Create opportunities for them to interact with young, old, rich, poor, single, married, silly or serious people.
Encourage your child to make bulletin boards, posters or scrapbooks about their favorite heroes. Together, visit the library and read about and research the lives of admired people in history and society. Engage in discussions about what you learn.
Even though children may display interest in movie, sports or music stars, it’s important for you to know that the real and important role models in their lives are you and the people around them. Help your child meet adults who are great and decent people who act like role models worth following!
If you any questions or want to offer any feedback or opinions, please call or email me.
Neighborhood Boundaries-Asset 13
Neighborhood Boundaries and Expectations
Neighborhood boundaries and behavioral expectations are an asset to a child when neighborhood parents and adults have permission to, feel responsible for, pay attention to, and supervise children outside their home.
To invest in this asset, parents and adults need to focus on building or strengthening another asset we covered a while back. That asset in realized when we have created a caring neighborhood where children experience being cared for and known by everyone in the neighborhood and the adults have publically committed themselves and agreed to cooperate with this intention. With a caring neighborhood in place, boundaries and behavioral expectations for our children make more sense and are more effective.
To establish these boundaries and expectations, parents and adults need first to look to their own behavior and intentionally seek to behave in ways that model the types of behaviors that are expected and accepted in the neighborhood. In addition, parents and adults should actively look for opportunities to directly teach and explain to children how to behave appropriately.
It is also important as part of this effort to acknowledge that each child in the neighborhood is unique and worthy of caring and support. Comparing children based on their behavior should be avoided. In addition, boundaries and expectations should be discussed by adults and children with the intention of developing a list of rules and limits that can be distributed throughout the neighborhood. While everyone may not agree, it is important to develop a way to discuss and resolve different opinions. Some neighborhoods have quarterly meetings for this purpose at times that are convenient for parents to gather. Trained mediators are often available in communities to help facilitate such meetings on a volunteer basis.
Other communities have involved their mayor or city commissioners in a process where a set of values and community norms were established and publicized through local news media and a campaign to promote commonly accepted boundaries and behavioral expectations. Local law enforcement officers were also invited to participate in such campaigns and in neighborhood meetings. These officers were able to communicate the importance of neighbors being willing to accept responsibility for keeping an eye out for each other and communicating about what they are observing.
Some neighborhoods create places and opportunities for parents and their children to gather and spend safe and happy time together. This could be through a church, community center or in someone’s home or yard. These situations offers opportunities for children to get the message that the neighbors care and have permission to interact with and intervene if inappropriate behavior is observed in the neighborhood when their parents are not around.
As usual, these are only a few ideas of how the asset of neighborhood boundaries and expectations can enhance the lives of each of us and our children. Be creative and take action in ways that work in your neighborhood.
Any thoughts or questions, please feel free to call or email me.
Neighborhood boundaries and behavioral expectations are an asset to a child when neighborhood parents and adults have permission to, feel responsible for, pay attention to, and supervise children outside their home.
To invest in this asset, parents and adults need to focus on building or strengthening another asset we covered a while back. That asset in realized when we have created a caring neighborhood where children experience being cared for and known by everyone in the neighborhood and the adults have publically committed themselves and agreed to cooperate with this intention. With a caring neighborhood in place, boundaries and behavioral expectations for our children make more sense and are more effective.
To establish these boundaries and expectations, parents and adults need first to look to their own behavior and intentionally seek to behave in ways that model the types of behaviors that are expected and accepted in the neighborhood. In addition, parents and adults should actively look for opportunities to directly teach and explain to children how to behave appropriately.
It is also important as part of this effort to acknowledge that each child in the neighborhood is unique and worthy of caring and support. Comparing children based on their behavior should be avoided. In addition, boundaries and expectations should be discussed by adults and children with the intention of developing a list of rules and limits that can be distributed throughout the neighborhood. While everyone may not agree, it is important to develop a way to discuss and resolve different opinions. Some neighborhoods have quarterly meetings for this purpose at times that are convenient for parents to gather. Trained mediators are often available in communities to help facilitate such meetings on a volunteer basis.
Other communities have involved their mayor or city commissioners in a process where a set of values and community norms were established and publicized through local news media and a campaign to promote commonly accepted boundaries and behavioral expectations. Local law enforcement officers were also invited to participate in such campaigns and in neighborhood meetings. These officers were able to communicate the importance of neighbors being willing to accept responsibility for keeping an eye out for each other and communicating about what they are observing.
Some neighborhoods create places and opportunities for parents and their children to gather and spend safe and happy time together. This could be through a church, community center or in someone’s home or yard. These situations offers opportunities for children to get the message that the neighbors care and have permission to interact with and intervene if inappropriate behavior is observed in the neighborhood when their parents are not around.
As usual, these are only a few ideas of how the asset of neighborhood boundaries and expectations can enhance the lives of each of us and our children. Be creative and take action in ways that work in your neighborhood.
Any thoughts or questions, please feel free to call or email me.
Out-of-Home Boundaries-Asset 12
Boundaries Outside Your Home
In my last article I discussed the developmental asset of having boundaries and expectations and focused specifically on family boundaries and expectations. This week I’d like to focus on the asset of your child learning and understanding appropriate boundaries and expectations for their behavior outside of you home. Typically, the settings we are talking about here are your child’s school, pre-school, childcare centers, church or Sunday school.
One of the first things a parent can do to ensure that this asset in place is to make it a point to inquire about and learn what the rules, expectations and consequences are in the settings where your child spends time. Talk to the teachers, caregivers
and other adults about the purposes or intentions of the boundaries that exist in each setting. Consider whether you feel these purposes are as they should be, i.e. to direct your child toward positive appropriate activities and away from inappropriate activities.
When assessing the boundaries, limits and expectations in these settings, check to see if you think the consequences established are appropriate for the incidents for which they are set and for the age group in question. For instance, if a pre-school child were to throw toys around the classroom or at a class mate, it would be appropriate to ask him or her to pick up the toys and to apologize to his or her classmates. It would also be appropriate to direct the child by saying, “It’s important that we play nicely with your friends. Please say you are sorry for throwing the toys.” If the child refused, then an appropriate consequence would be to take away a desirable privilege until they do. It also important to remember that with younger children retention of the rules or boundaries is going to be more limited and repetitions should be expected.
However, if a teen threw an object in class that was potentially harmful to others, the boundaries might be very similar, but the expectations, redirection and consequences of not being in control of this type of behavior would likely and appropriately involve being sent to the principal’s office, suspension, and notifying the student’s parents. As a parent, knowing the boundaries and expectations of your child ahead of time allows you to decide if you think certain consequences seems too severe and the ability to do something about it. Knowing the rules and limits also prepares you for what is to come if your child exhibits out-of-bounds behaviors.
It is also a good idea, a couple of months into the school year or into your child being in a new setting, to talk to your child about how they feel about the rules, limits, boundaries and consequences in the environment away from home. Find out if they think the boundaries and limits are too strict or too lenient without making any critical or judgment calls yourself. Discuss ways of making adjustments one way or the other. Then share their ideas with the teacher, administrators or adults in the setting outside of your home.
Again, these are just a few ideas. Hopefully they will spark other ideas or question about this asset. If questions arise, call or email me and I will be glad to assist you.
In my last article I discussed the developmental asset of having boundaries and expectations and focused specifically on family boundaries and expectations. This week I’d like to focus on the asset of your child learning and understanding appropriate boundaries and expectations for their behavior outside of you home. Typically, the settings we are talking about here are your child’s school, pre-school, childcare centers, church or Sunday school.
One of the first things a parent can do to ensure that this asset in place is to make it a point to inquire about and learn what the rules, expectations and consequences are in the settings where your child spends time. Talk to the teachers, caregivers
and other adults about the purposes or intentions of the boundaries that exist in each setting. Consider whether you feel these purposes are as they should be, i.e. to direct your child toward positive appropriate activities and away from inappropriate activities.
When assessing the boundaries, limits and expectations in these settings, check to see if you think the consequences established are appropriate for the incidents for which they are set and for the age group in question. For instance, if a pre-school child were to throw toys around the classroom or at a class mate, it would be appropriate to ask him or her to pick up the toys and to apologize to his or her classmates. It would also be appropriate to direct the child by saying, “It’s important that we play nicely with your friends. Please say you are sorry for throwing the toys.” If the child refused, then an appropriate consequence would be to take away a desirable privilege until they do. It also important to remember that with younger children retention of the rules or boundaries is going to be more limited and repetitions should be expected.
However, if a teen threw an object in class that was potentially harmful to others, the boundaries might be very similar, but the expectations, redirection and consequences of not being in control of this type of behavior would likely and appropriately involve being sent to the principal’s office, suspension, and notifying the student’s parents. As a parent, knowing the boundaries and expectations of your child ahead of time allows you to decide if you think certain consequences seems too severe and the ability to do something about it. Knowing the rules and limits also prepares you for what is to come if your child exhibits out-of-bounds behaviors.
It is also a good idea, a couple of months into the school year or into your child being in a new setting, to talk to your child about how they feel about the rules, limits, boundaries and consequences in the environment away from home. Find out if they think the boundaries and limits are too strict or too lenient without making any critical or judgment calls yourself. Discuss ways of making adjustments one way or the other. Then share their ideas with the teacher, administrators or adults in the setting outside of your home.
Again, these are just a few ideas. Hopefully they will spark other ideas or question about this asset. If questions arise, call or email me and I will be glad to assist you.
Boundaries and Expectations in the Family-Asset 11
Boundaries and Expectations in the Family
Exploring this asset may surprise you. Knowing what’s expected of them~and what’s not~helps children create, learn and grow. Instead of holding children back, limits and boundaries keep them feeling safe and secure. When they know who to count on and how to behave, children can concentrate on developing and learning new skills.
There are three areas of a child’s life where boundaries and limits are important: family boundaries, out-of-home boundaries and neighborhood boundaries. This article will focus on family boundaries and the two to follow will focus on the others.
The idea of family boundaries is best expressed as:
Parents understand children’s needs and preferences, model appropriate behavior, and set age-appropriate limits and consequences.
One of the important things to know about children and boundaries is that most children will not fully understand the concept until they are teens or pre-teens. Therefore, as children grow their boundaries and understanding of boundaries needs to grow with them in ways that are appropriate to their level of development. Be ready to revise boundaries as your child learns to make age-appropriate decision.
Some other important points here include the need to always show your child that you love them. Never withhold love as a form of discipline. When discipline is called for, use it to point your child toward good behavior and appropriate decisions. Don’t hit, spank or shake a child. This teaches inappropriate ways of controlling behavior and is only effective while the parent is around to control. It can breed inappropriate and negative behavior outside the home and teach that it’s okay to hit other people. Instead, model how you want your child to behave, solve problems and make decisions. Be focused and calm when disciplining. Remember you are the adult. If you are frustrated or angry, take a few moments to calm down. This might mean giving your self and your child a brief time-out period. When you feel calm and confident, let you child know what you observed them doing that was inappropriate, express your feelings about those observations, let them know what your needs are according to the appropriate boundaries and then make specifics requests as to what you like them to do in the future.
Learn to see these situations as opportunities to do further teaching and updating of your expectations and the limits and boundaries you want your child to be aware of. If your children are very young, you want to keep your messages simple, clear and focused on the behavior you want. Avoid focusing on or emphasizing the behaviors you don’t want. Repetition is essential to young children learning and retaining, so expect to have to repeat yourself often. Also, when directing your child to appropriate behaviors, try to offer choices, all of which would be acceptable. Always be reasonable about the nature of your boundaries and the number of them. Too many can stifle a child and make them feel powerless. Too few can make them feel out of control and lost. And finally, be willing to change boundaries that do not work.
As always, for more on this subject, feel free to contact me via email of phone. Enjoy your children and the children in your community. They are our future!
Exploring this asset may surprise you. Knowing what’s expected of them~and what’s not~helps children create, learn and grow. Instead of holding children back, limits and boundaries keep them feeling safe and secure. When they know who to count on and how to behave, children can concentrate on developing and learning new skills.
There are three areas of a child’s life where boundaries and limits are important: family boundaries, out-of-home boundaries and neighborhood boundaries. This article will focus on family boundaries and the two to follow will focus on the others.
The idea of family boundaries is best expressed as:
Parents understand children’s needs and preferences, model appropriate behavior, and set age-appropriate limits and consequences.
One of the important things to know about children and boundaries is that most children will not fully understand the concept until they are teens or pre-teens. Therefore, as children grow their boundaries and understanding of boundaries needs to grow with them in ways that are appropriate to their level of development. Be ready to revise boundaries as your child learns to make age-appropriate decision.
Some other important points here include the need to always show your child that you love them. Never withhold love as a form of discipline. When discipline is called for, use it to point your child toward good behavior and appropriate decisions. Don’t hit, spank or shake a child. This teaches inappropriate ways of controlling behavior and is only effective while the parent is around to control. It can breed inappropriate and negative behavior outside the home and teach that it’s okay to hit other people. Instead, model how you want your child to behave, solve problems and make decisions. Be focused and calm when disciplining. Remember you are the adult. If you are frustrated or angry, take a few moments to calm down. This might mean giving your self and your child a brief time-out period. When you feel calm and confident, let you child know what you observed them doing that was inappropriate, express your feelings about those observations, let them know what your needs are according to the appropriate boundaries and then make specifics requests as to what you like them to do in the future.
Learn to see these situations as opportunities to do further teaching and updating of your expectations and the limits and boundaries you want your child to be aware of. If your children are very young, you want to keep your messages simple, clear and focused on the behavior you want. Avoid focusing on or emphasizing the behaviors you don’t want. Repetition is essential to young children learning and retaining, so expect to have to repeat yourself often. Also, when directing your child to appropriate behaviors, try to offer choices, all of which would be acceptable. Always be reasonable about the nature of your boundaries and the number of them. Too many can stifle a child and make them feel powerless. Too few can make them feel out of control and lost. And finally, be willing to change boundaries that do not work.
As always, for more on this subject, feel free to contact me via email of phone. Enjoy your children and the children in your community. They are our future!
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