Peaceful Conflict Resolution
To invest in today’s developmental asset, parents and other adults need to model and help children learn to cope with frustrations and resolve conflicts nonviolently.
One of the first and best steps in modeling peaceful conflict resolution is to become conscious of how you behave when you are dealing with conflict and feeling frustrated or angry. Ask yourself these questions: Am I working to understand the other person’s point of view? I am working towards a positive or “win-win” solution? What am I teaching my child (or children) by the way I handle conflict? Do I need to know more about peaceful conflict resolution myself?
If the answer to this last question is yes, then a great place to start is the work of Marshall Rosenberg in his book, “Nonviolent Communication: The Language of Life.” Many people, including myself, have chosen to call this style of conflict resolution “compassionate communication” or peaceful conflict resolution.
Compassionate communication helps us reframe and organize how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on our awareness of what we perceive, feel, want and need. We are taught how to express ourselves with honest and clarity, while at the same time paying others respect and empathic attention.
In teaching compassionate communication, Rosenberg says it’s important to focus on four areas when trying to express ourselves to resolve a conflict.
The first area is Observation. This involves observing what is actually happening in the situation at hand without imposing judgment or criticism reactively.
The second is to State How We Feel when we observe the situation or action. Are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated, etc?
The third is to State What Our Needs Are in relation to the situation and our feelings about it.
Here is an example of how a mother might apply compassionate communication to an issue with her teen-aged son: “Kevin, when I see two balls of dirty socks under the coffee table and three more next to the TV, I feel irritated because I need more order and cleanliness in the rooms we share.”
The fourth component of the compassionate communication formula is to Make a Specific Request. In our example, Kevin’s mother might add, “Would you be willing to put your socks in the hamper or in your room?” This request suggests a result that would enrich the lives of all parties involved.
By learning this approach, Kevin’s mother (and parents in general) has a better chance of gaining Kevin’s cooperation. Also, Kevin (and other children) has an excellent opportunity to learn to communicate using a peaceful conflict resolution.
For more information on Marshall Rosenberg’s work, go to www.cnvc.org. Also, because I feel this asset is so important in the success and quality of a child’s life, I will be returning in future articles to give further suggestions for developing peaceful conflict resolution. Please email or call me if you have any questions or would like to know more.
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