Out-of-Home Boundaries-Asset 12

Boundaries Outside Your Home

In my last article I discussed the developmental asset of having boundaries and expectations and focused specifically on family boundaries and expectations. This week I’d like to focus on the asset of your child learning and understanding appropriate boundaries and expectations for their behavior outside of you home. Typically, the settings we are talking about here are your child’s school, pre-school, childcare centers, church or Sunday school.

One of the first things a parent can do to ensure that this asset in place is to make it a point to inquire about and learn what the rules, expectations and consequences are in the settings where your child spends time. Talk to the teachers, caregivers
and other adults about the purposes or intentions of the boundaries that exist in each setting. Consider whether you feel these purposes are as they should be, i.e. to direct your child toward positive appropriate activities and away from inappropriate activities.

When assessing the boundaries, limits and expectations in these settings, check to see if you think the consequences established are appropriate for the incidents for which they are set and for the age group in question. For instance, if a pre-school child were to throw toys around the classroom or at a class mate, it would be appropriate to ask him or her to pick up the toys and to apologize to his or her classmates. It would also be appropriate to direct the child by saying, “It’s important that we play nicely with your friends. Please say you are sorry for throwing the toys.” If the child refused, then an appropriate consequence would be to take away a desirable privilege until they do. It also important to remember that with younger children retention of the rules or boundaries is going to be more limited and repetitions should be expected.

However, if a teen threw an object in class that was potentially harmful to others, the boundaries might be very similar, but the expectations, redirection and consequences of not being in control of this type of behavior would likely and appropriately involve being sent to the principal’s office, suspension, and notifying the student’s parents. As a parent, knowing the boundaries and expectations of your child ahead of time allows you to decide if you think certain consequences seems too severe and the ability to do something about it. Knowing the rules and limits also prepares you for what is to come if your child exhibits out-of-bounds behaviors.

It is also a good idea, a couple of months into the school year or into your child being in a new setting, to talk to your child about how they feel about the rules, limits, boundaries and consequences in the environment away from home. Find out if they think the boundaries and limits are too strict or too lenient without making any critical or judgment calls yourself. Discuss ways of making adjustments one way or the other. Then share their ideas with the teacher, administrators or adults in the setting outside of your home.

Again, these are just a few ideas. Hopefully they will spark other ideas or question about this asset. If questions arise, call or email me and I will be glad to assist you.